November 6

That dreaded day is soon upon me. We admit there was a time when we couldn't get our birthday arriving soon enough. 

Like turning 13 cause you've hit puberty (a young man now) or girls 16 for their sweet 16 parties and 16 to get our driver's license (I didn't attempt mine till I was 20) or turning 19 so we can go to the clubs although... I got in at 16 already (friends in high places) :snickering: At 21 - 30 yrs old I went wild in every way possible. From alcohol to drugs to finding myself and experimenting with sex. Oh hell I lost my virginity at 16, but I'm talking threesomes, foursomes and... so on! I'm now past the age of 40 is all I'm gonna say and I'll albeit admit that I've been there and done that. If I was to die tomorrow and can honestly say that there's nothing missing I haven't done that I wanted to do. NOT saying I'm gonna die tomorrow, mind you. 

There's one thing... I didn't get a book published and I know I spoke about shutting down this blog, but I've had a viewpoint. I'm going to take that non-published book and post it in parts here starting January 1, 2013. I'm turning a new leaf on this blog. It's all M/M. I can't take complete credit for the writing of this book because I knew someone at the time who was my inspiration in writing this story and he deserves part credit in the creation of one of the characters. I will not name him, but he is always in my thoughts and I hope he's doing well and wish him well with no hard feelings just clean thoughts. Stayed tuned for that. 

Now below... see who shares my day even though :wrinkles nose: some are unsavory people.

Born on November 6th LISTS Name Occupation Birth Death Known for Nelson W. Aldrich Politician 6-Nov-1841 16-Apr-1915 US Senator from Rhode Island, 1881-1911 Jürgen Bartsch Criminal 6-Nov-1946 28-Apr-1976 Teenaged homosexual serial killer Michel Bouquet Actor 6-Nov-1925 Totò the Hero John Candelaria Baseball 6-Nov-1953 Candyman, MLB pitcher John Carter Politician 6-Nov-1941 Congressman, Texas 31st Nicholas D. Chabraja Business 6-Nov-1942 CEO of General Dynamics Charles II Royalty 6-Nov-1661 1-Nov-1700 King of Spain, 1665-1700 Colley Cibber Playwright 6-Nov-1671 11-Dec-1757 Apology Guy Clark Country Musician 6-Nov-1941 Old No. 1 Catherine Crier Journalist 6-Nov-1954 The Crier Report on Fox Michael Cunningham Novelist 6-Nov-1952 The Hours Brad Davis Actor 6-Nov-1949 8-Sep-1991 Midnight Express David Davis Politician 6-Nov-1959 Congressman from Tennessee, 2007-09 Eddie DeBartolo, Jr. Football 6-Nov-1946 Former owner, San Francisco 49ers Peter DeLuise Actor 6-Nov-1966 Officer Penhall on 21 Jump Street Arne Duncan Educator 6-Nov-1964 US Secretary of Education Marc Dutroux Criminal 6-Nov-1956 Child murderer Cornelius Felton Scholar 6-Nov-1807 26-Feb-1862 Classical scholar of Greek Sally Field Actor 6-Nov-1946 Steel Magnolias Althea Flynt Relative 6-Nov-1953 27-Jun-1987 Larry Flynt's dead wife Edsel Ford Business 6-Nov-1893 26-May-1943 President of Ford, 1919-43 Glenn Frey Musician 6-Nov-1948 Lead vocals and guitar, Eagles Frederick D. Gardner Politician 6-Nov-1869 18-Dec-1933 Governor of Missouri, 1917-21 Pierre Gemayel Politician 6-Nov-1905 29-Aug-1984 Founder of the Kataeb/Phalange Paul Gilbert Guitarist 6-Nov-1966 Ex-Guitarist for Mr. Big Greg Graffin Musician 6-Nov-1964 Bad Religion frontman Thomas Watt Gregory Government 6-Nov-1861 26-Feb-1933 US Attorney General, 1914-19 Robert P. Griffin Politician 6-Nov-1923 US Senator from Michigan, 1966-79 Lani Hall Musician 6-Nov-1948 The voice of Brasil '66 Jonathan Harris Actor 6-Nov-1914 3-Nov-2002 Dr. Zachary Smith on Lost in Space Nigel Havers Actor 6-Nov-1949 Chariots of Fire Ethan Hawke Actor 6-Nov-1970 Dead Poets Society Ana Ivanovic Tennis 6-Nov-1987 Winner, 2008 French Open Walter Johnson Baseball 6-Nov-1887 10-Dec-1946 American League MVP in 1913 and 1924 Griff Rhys Jones Actor 6-Nov-1953 Alas Smith & Jones James Jones Author 6-Nov-1921 9-May-1977 From Here to Eternity Gus Kahn Songwriter 6-Nov-1886 8-Oct-1941 Ain't We Got Fun? Lance Kerwin Actor 6-Nov-1960 James at 15 Klaus Kleinfeld Business 6-Nov-1957 President and COO of Alcoa Francis Lederer Actor 6-Nov-1899 25-May-2000 Pandora's Box Taryn Manning Actor 6-Nov-1978 Crossroads Mårten Mickos Business 6-Nov-1962 CEO of MySQL Thomas Gale Moore Economist 6-Nov-1930 Council of Economic Advisers, 1985-89 Simon Conway Morris Paleontologist 6-Nov-1951 Evolutionary paleobiologist Robert J. Mrazek Politician 6-Nov-1945 Congressman from New York, 1983-93 Robert Musil Novelist 6-Nov-1880 15-Apr-1942 Der Mann ohne Eigenschaften James Naismith Basketball 6-Nov-1861 28-Nov-1939 Inventor of Basketball Jim Neal Politician 6-Nov-1956 Sought Elizabeth Dole's Senate seat in 2008 Thandie Newton Actor 6-Nov-1972 The Truth About Charlie Mike Nichols Film Director 6-Nov-1931 Primary Colors Lamar Odom Basketball 6-Nov-1979 L.A. Clippers forward Corey Pavin Golf 6-Nov-1959 Winner, 1995 US Open Calvin L. Rampton Politician 6-Nov-1913 16-Sep-2007 Governor of Utah, 1965-77 Rebecca Romijn Model 6-Nov-1972 Swimsuit supermodel Harold W. Ross Publisher 6-Nov-1892 6-Dec-1951 Founder of The New Yorker Selena Royle Actor 6-Nov-1904 23-Apr-1983 The Fighting Sullivans Kelly Rutherford Actor 6-Nov-1968 Megan Mancini on Melrose Place Doug Sahm Musician 6-Nov-1941 18-Nov-1999 Sir Douglas Quintet Herbert Samuel Politician 6-Nov-1870 2-Feb-1963 High Commissioner of Palestine, 1920-25 Rebecca Schaeffer Actor 6-Nov-1967 18-Jul-1989 Actress murdered by stalker Alois Senefelder Inventor 6-Nov-1771 26-Feb-1834 Inventor of lithography Dan Senor Government 6-Nov-1971 Senor Strategies LLC Carolyn Seymour Actor 6-Nov-1947 Abby Grant on Survivors Maria Shriver Journalist 6-Nov-1955 Married to Arnold Schwarzenegger Lori Singer Actor 6-Nov-1957 Footloose John Philip Sousa Composer 6-Nov-1854 6-Mar-1932 Stars and Stripes Forever Michael Stewart Politician 6-Nov-1906 13-Mar-1990 Former UK Foreign Secretary Emma Stone Actor 6-Nov-1988 Superbad Pat Tillman Military 6-Nov-1976 22-Apr-2004 NFL player turned Army Ranger Roy J. Turner Politician 6-Nov-1894 11-Jun-1973 Governor of Oklahoma, 1947-51 Ron Underwood Film Director 6-Nov-1953 Tremors Gordon Westcott Actor 6-Nov-1903 31-Oct-1935 Heroes for Sale Edgar Whitcomb Politician 6-Nov-1917 Governor of Indiana, 1969-73 Joseph Wilson Diplomat 6-Nov-1949 Ambassador to Gabon, Valerie Plame's husband Steve Windom Politician 6-Nov-1949 Lt. Governor of Alabama, 1999-2003 Jerry Yang Business 6-Nov-1968 Co-Founder of Yahoo Charles W. Yost Diplomat 6-Nov-1907 21-May-1981 US Ambassador to the UN, 1969-71 Annette Zilinskas Musician 6-Nov-1962 Blood on the Saddle vocalist, former Bangle

Goodbye... :sniffs:

I bet you thought... LMAO! 

I'm laughing on the outside, but it's all an act to save face. I'm saying goodbye to all my favorite foods. I will truly miss you and never be able to even taste you again on the tip of my tongue. I never thought I'd see the day where there's more food you CAN'T eat rather than the food you CAN. 

TRUST me when I tell you fawk the diets, forget watching what you eat and if you truly want a certain food well goddammit HAVE IT! You never know when that day will come when you're being told that you can never eat a certain something or somethings ever again. Your LIFE depends on it.

Lemme see if you're feeling my pain after I you read this. 

- No dairy products such as milk, cream, cheeses and yogurt etc..

- Replace cow's milk with alternatives such as: Almond, Soy, Hemp or Rice milk

- Avoid ice-cream and sherbet

- Avoid cheese flavored products such as chips and crackers

- Nothing with tomato in it (substitute tomato with basil pesto and for pizza try whole wheat pita bread) :wrinkles nose and gagging:

- No bread. For toast or sandwiches use medium or dark rye

- Rice? Not unless it's gluten-free ancient grains

- Absofawkinglutely no beef or pork! But I can have fish, turkey or chicken. Very limited seafood

- Fruits: No Banana, honeydew, cantaloupe, grapes, oranges etc...  I CAN have apples, berries, cherries, pomegranate, watermelon and pineapple on occasion.

- No potato, pumpkin or squash

- No Carbonated beverages such as soda, pop and sparkling water.

- No raw or powdered garlic

- Do not fry the foods. Grill, bake or poach

- No margarine. Use unsalted butter.

- For cooking  use olive oil

- No alcohol DUH that was a given!

This is the one I'm have the most trouble with: Limit coffee and black tea. Herbal tea is better. 

- No Salt on anything.

I can have Protein shakes, but Absolute Vegetarian Protein ones.

For sweet cravings eat watermelon with cinnamon on it :rolls eyes: Can you see me drooling with want for some?

Finally DON'T SKIP MEALS!!

:sighs: This is depressing, but it's only these foods I can eat that my kidneys will be able to process and then there's a slew of vitamins to go along with the medications I'm on.

Is it just me cause I'm not having a very positive outlook these days and what's even worse is I don't KNOW anyone else going through what I am that I can talk to. I think I need to find a bereavement group for this. For the loss of all the great foods I enjoyed over the years. :snickering:

If you are taking the time to read this, please I ask you if you even care to maybe help me out and maybe know someone who will lend an ear or give advice or hey even some links where I can find recipes that accommodate my new lifestyle change cause I'm tired of my bland food and eating the same foods repeatedly. My dinner plate really looks pathetic and unappealing.

Thanks for stopping by.

Trying to cope with: LIFE

Why do I choose that title? :pointing up: Because life to me as I know it will never again be the same.

After a massive round of tests from blood and urine to a renal ultrasound then a renal scan the confirmed diagnosis by my nephrologyst is that I have kidney disease in not just one but both kidneys. I'm sharing it with my followers here and no it's not to get pity from anyone cause the pity party can be shoved up the arse and I don't blog to get it so fawk off, but rather I'm talking about it so it's not driving me up the fawking A-wall to the point I'll bounce and I'll just have a breakdown by dwelling on the implications of it all too damn much. You get me? Like the fact that CKD (Chronic Kidney Disease) patients are at increased risk for ischemic heart disease and a series of diseases caused by reduced blood supply to the heart and congestive heart failure (CHF, when the heart's ability to supply sufficient blood flow to the body is impaired). 

What a life! :drama moment: I better make my peace with it yeah think? I already have cause LIFE you fawking suck!

It's already at stage 3 so what does that mean? The percentage function of my kidneys is 55%. Isn't that just bullshit? How does that affect me? Right now the energy level is very low and I nap a lot, back pain is just peachy and quite frankly I'm embarrassed going out and needing a walking cane on my bad days. A lot of it and too many pills for this or that and such and such. Lets not forget seeing a nutritionist and starting treatment shots, tons more needles of constant blood work and those never ending doctor visits. I practically shit myself every time I see a needle coming at me. What a joke!

Here's a great one for yeah... I had a tooth break and the dentist wouldn't even touch my tooth till the specialist contacted them with the green light to proceed and were told to keep constant monitoring of my blood pressure throughout. This was before my 'confirmed' diagnosis. It just keeps getting better and better.

BUT having said all that there is ONE GOOD thing that's coming out of it all: I'm now a candidate for a study group call AIM to PREVENT. AIM is a 3 year study where the participant in this clinical research who have CKD allows the study Doctor(s) to collect blood and urine samples every 6 months (not including reg visits) in order to analyze the levels of protein and chemicals in the samples. The goal of this study is to see if there is a set of blood and urine tests that may help doctors identify individuals or populations who are at risk for worsening of chronic disease. Basically, I'll be a lab rat to serve the better good for those of you who might get lucky in being diagnosed in the very early stages and maybe if something can be found it'll help the Docs to help you combat it before it gets to the extreme. 

I find THAT kinda cool, but it's a damn shame I have to get this disease in order to help others in the world of the future.

On a final note: Pity? I don't want it. Feeling sorry for me? Don't want that either. Your support and understanding? I'll snatch that up any day!

Mucho gracias for hearing me out, hanging out and have yourself one hellova great weekend, Folks!

The Isn't The End by Skylit Drive

Lyrics:
Starting off to face the day
Seconds away from a life with endless...
Torment my mind with the thoughts of a beginning
To show you just what I feel
To decipher what is real

There's just so much to be said
So much is running through my head
In a time staggered on the end
Maybe now can we pretend?

For a second I felt so brave
Flowing through fault lines
Wearing on my mind
Weathering
Pulsating
Technicalities set you off the stage and when you see me now and then
There will be no exchange of hands
Scratch the plans

There's just so much to be said
So much is running through my head
In a time staggered on the end
Maybe now can we pretend?

This isn't the end

There's just so much to be said
So much is running through my head
In a time staggered on the end
Maybe now can we pretend?

C'est La Vie!

Souls of Fallen Angels

You're probably wondering about this picture I placed into this blog post above and I'll get to that in a moment.

My last post I wrote? It was noted that I had written something quite lengthy and I went back and deleted it, leaving just the picture in its wake. I apologize, but after I posted that blog I thought to myself: Who really cares? Who gives a shit whether I'm having a good day or a bad one. Who gives a shit what's going on with me and mine in my personal life. 

After group which I attend every Monday night where I've connected with other people I had a revelation in thinking why did I delete what I'd written. We create a blog in order to express ourselves and people can chose to read or not to read it and getting shite of your chest by putting it into words is supposed to be therapeutic. 

I'm going to take my own advise and makeup for what I'd written and took down and just talk. Put my words into and out my fingers. 

It's been 8 months and I've had no urge to want cut, damage myself and the suicidal tendencies which had plagued me are no longer. Sure I still think on it and I have to ask myself: What the fawk was I thinking? Everybody kept telling me about how much I had to love for, but I wasn't coherent enough at the time to listen and everything was my way or no way. 

These last few weeks have been the ultimate trial in my emotions and thought patterns. They're all over the chart and I want to yell out to anyone who will listen: Can you give me a dayum map, show me where I am and get me onto the road that'll lead me in the right direction. Is it at all possible? What's got me in an emotional state of confusion you might ask. When I finally got my appointment in with the nephrologist and sat in the office while he reviewed my files and latest test results I was stunned to being mute when he came out and told me my kidneys were functioning at only 55% capacity. I could hear my own voice screaming inside my head in at first with anger that my family Doc lied when he told me they're functioning at 70%. Asking myself WHY would he do that? That scream settled to a groan and how bad this was turning out and then to a whimper that this isn't fawking good. Not at all. Having my sis with me, sitting next to me in the office saved me from telling ONE family member, but I still had my 'rents to contend with. 

Now the series of tests start. I've had all the blood and urine work done. Same day I had seen the Nephrologist cause he wanted to get that going. Last week I had the ultrasound done and lastly after my trip to Denver in June I'm booked into this hospital to have scans and a MRI done. When ALL is said and done it'll be back to the specialist for the results and take it from there.

I will NOT let this get to me cause thinking about these things can make you bat shit crazy at the best of times so just imagine the worst of times. I think that if you had to deal with constant burning in your chest because your kidneys are releasing toxins into your body which cause this, all your joints hurt to the point that touching your skin hurts, feels bruised under the pores, swollen ankles and feet caused by high blood pressure that's being dealt with, with a high dose of high BP meds and feeling ashamed because you need a walking cane get to get around and are three shades of red embarrassed by it... the rest is a walk in the park. I think.  I've even taken to having naps during the day on weekends. The energy level is massively low. Thinking and writing this is already taxing. It'll be awhile before I post again.

I don't believe there are any words of advice that can be given to make me 'feel' better. Nothing can be said to lessen the anxiety that courses through me with all this bullshit deck of cards that's been dealt to me. Such is life right? Que sera sera, whatever will be will be. 

I can confirm that my lifelong battle with my blood disorder and high blood pressure are the cause of my kidney disease, but the extent of the damage remains unknown. For now. 

Did I tell you how you think there's no one who gives a shit till something like this strikes. My sis let the cat out of the bag while speaking to relatives. Next thing I know all these relatives are coming out of the woodwork to say they'll test to see if they're compatible should I need a kidney. :snorts: I ask if it's cause they really care or if they're trying to perform some heroic feat to say: You will live because of my kidney. Whatever.

I'll end this post with thanking Raiden for posting. It was quite the post :whistling low: Angel, for posting as well and a few words to my angel girl: I'm looking forward to when you bring your little one into this world. What's the chance of he or she named after me? Yeah know, Demon has a nice ring to it :snickering:

Almost forgot! The picture above? Represents our struggle between good and evil, the dark and the light. Life or death. I'm in between. Where are you?

Have a good night and take care.

Over and out.

All is not as it seems...

I've lived. I've been. I've seen and now I'm done with it.