Clocking In

I could say a quick hey to one and all, but it's not quite going to be as planned. I know I'm missed so please don't tackle me all at once. Thanks to those of you who emailed me in privvy to express your thoughts and send out those prayers. Wendy appreciates them and has asked me to be the voice to express and send out her thanks. Sorry goes out to my angel. Your demon is dwelling in the bowels of hell. Still. Nat, Nancy, Vic, Eddy, Lil sis Kat, P, Sunshine...the list goes on. Miles and Kail have been MIA but there's not a day that goes by that I'm not thinking of them and I hope they're safe wherever they may be at this time. Miss chatting with you all and hate that I'm missing out on chatting and laughing it up. Having withdrawals without the playful banter and good times. Always good times.

For me it's been a hectic few weeks. Just to show you I've come back and revamped this and added to it a few times. I'm not in the right narrow headspace and my thought patterns are erratic and all over God's creation. Maintaining focused on one thing solely has become a challenge. :snorts: I have five books on the go at one time. See? Told yeah so.

So picture this: Those that know me up close and person know I have a massive fear of needles. I will break out in a sweat over it. Don't even ask me how I managed to administer injecting another. At first my hands shook like all hell get out. I had to step away, deep calming breaths and just do it knowing this was another's life and they're depending on me. It was a moment of 'Suck it up, boy you're needed!' Where the intravenous is in Wendy's upper arm it's hard for her to reach to give herself her morphine shots so I've been doing this for her every 2 to 4 hours. All her other meds she can take on her own. She's on some pretty damn potent shit. She even had to sign a waver with the police department to assure she wouldn't be sharing or trying to sell the narcotics she's taking. 'Nough said, huh.

Awright, to update you all, it's looking bleak. I mean I'm TRYING to remain totally positive and optimistic, but fawk! The fluid is building in her brain and the pressure is becoming to much for her to bear. Apart from the chemo she's had to get the fluid drained which they've been withdrawing from her spine. Today we got news that we weren't anticipating or ready for and to say I was fawking stunned is an understatement. She's bleeding in areas of her brain which is causing bleeding out her ears and her nose slightly. Emergency brain surgery has been scheduled for next Wednesday and you can damn well bet I'll be booking off 3 days of vacay to lay vigil at that hospital till I know she outta the woods and sending out a prayer that she makes it through the procedure. They'll be putting a shunt in her head to drain all the building fluid and stop the leaks. IF all goes well there she'll be back in on January 31st to attempt removal of the tumor. She's scared as all hell and I'm scared for her too, but she's keeping up her strength and I continue to be her rock, her shoulder to lean on and her ears when she needs this most.

I've had my days of being drastically stressed out, but that can't compare to this no way, no how. It's rad that I'm starting group on Mondays for 2 hours in the evening and having a new counselor coming into my home couldn't have come at a better time. I def gonna need it. It's whacked how you can be there and be strong for everyone else in need, but can't do dick squat for yourself.

I'll stop my rant here, don't wanna bore y'all, but rather pop in with an update. 

Peace out, folks. 

~ B ~

P.S. Can't leave without posting a vid of cowse. No whining! Suck it up and enjoy and this vid is symbolic from me to those of you I hold dear. Gods I sound like a sentimental frop! Enjoy it while it lasts.