Sweating The Big Stuff

First before I go on to what this post is all about there's someone I'd like to give mucho thanks to for having me get out of the slum I'm in to even post this. Kudos to you Vic. Your one email with the words you said meant the world to me more than you know. You along with a few others which have become special to me such as Edward, Sunshine, Angel and of course Nat have given me comfort where it's due and with all of you even though I'm very rarely ever around these days gave me your caring and support. It's the little words you send in offlines or emails that count.

Now on to my post...

I always for ages now carried this saying with me that goes: Never sweat the little stuff, just the big stuff which is Birth and Death. I am sweating the big stuff these days and I can assure you it's no where related to birth, although I really wish it was.

It's been a very rough year for me and it goes without saying that I'm surprised I've held on for as long as I have. 

• I've lost great friends that have hurt me immensely and what was done should be unforgiving, but I forgive them. I would never wish harm to anyone. Not even my worst enemy. It's just not in my nature.  I wish them well no matter what even if I'm no longer a part of their lives.

• I've lost my uncle Lou that held on to life for as long as he was able.
• I found out a very good friend contracted HIV.
• I've been battling my blood disorder.
• I've lost a great friend Todd Wonder that passed away of an overdose.
• The hardest was Mitchell Wilson that impacted me the most with his suicide because of bullying.  
• I won't deny that I'd tried to commit suicide where I had hit an all time low and went further than just cutting myself. I am getting help for this and my family supporting me is helping.

Quite a year it's been for me hasn't it? I'm trying to come to terms with so much impacted me in just this last 10 months. Quite fawking overwhelming if I say so myself, but I guess I should get to the worst of the BIG stuff, huh. When I had thought nothing could get worse than I've already been dealing with well low and behold I fooled myself and how wrong I was in assuming that life as it is would get back to some semblance of normality for me.

Awright, so I have one other close friend that I've known for, gosh... 20 years at least. I think I had it bad growing up, but my life has been joy in a basket compared to what she, Wendy, has been through. Her and I clicked and it was only because at first that we had one thing in common that brought us together and that was her brother. I thought the dude was a nice guy. Yeah know those all knowing blonde hair, blue eyes and lean build, but the hawtness was completely on the outside. He was a complete fawkwad that I'll talk about in another post on my knowing him, but not here and not now. Just know that his true colors came shining through and his aura is very inky black. I'll point out some of the sad facts on Wendy.

• She's been living in her brother's basement. A one little bedroom hole dump that he makes her pay a large chunk of money as rent.
• She's had surgery on her back and both knees. For this reason she's on permanent disability (using this money to pay this rent)
• When she was a young child after their dad up and walked out on the family their mother placed her in foster care.
• Wendy married a man that didn't give one fawk about monogamy. His belief is even married he was entitled to having mistresses. Fawked up huh?
• When Wendy's marriage went to shitsville she couldn't afford to take her 2 sons and one daughter with her so she left them in the custody of their father. The boys live with him, but Wendy has a younger brother and he along with his wife are raising her youngest, her daughter. Her sons come to visit, but only when that fawkwad brother of hers allows it. Pathetic that he calls the shots this way.

She's been cheated on, taken advantage of, tossed to the curb and doesn't even know to this day what it's even like to feel loved and wanted. Wendy is now 38 years old. 

This next part is going to be hard for me to write about without choking up. Don't worry... I've just taken my meds to help me get through writing about it. I already knew that at the beginning of summer when Wendy and myself went and spent the weekend enjoying Pride (she's very straight so don't even think it) that not long before this she had half a tumor surgically removed from the back of her brain. The doctors didn't remove it all with the explanation that removing of the whole tumor would have resulted in her going into a coma, therefore they didn't want to make the attempt. Just just weeks ago, Wendy went for the MRI to determine all was going well with the half of the tumor and surgery would be set to extract the rest of it... She... aah she's not going to be having that surgery after all. They, the doctors came back to say that the cancer has spread in her brain and... and it's currently at a stage 4. She'd been having some serious headaches and they're saying it's from fluid that has built up on her brain. They've started chemo on her and tapping into her spine to remove the fluid, along with morphine for any discomfort or pain. Basically they're prolonged her life, but for how long? Unsure. 

All her brother cares about is how he's going to get his rent money when her disability checks come in if she's in the hospital and made her get a doctor's note to prove she's not bullshitting. When she asked if he'd take her for her chemo treatments, his reply was: I can't lose time and money away from work. Get a friend to take you. 

Who the fawk does that to a person? Your own sister for fawk-sake!! Can we say I went completely and totally ballistic to the max when I heard this!!! She's packed her shit, whatever little items she owns and I've set up my spare room for her to move in with me. She'll be officially here tomorrow and as the Lord is my witness I have every intention of being there for her right till she takes her final breath. I'm going to make whatever days she has left in this life happy ones. I WILL be there to smile with her, laugh, cry and be the arms that hold her when she's scared and damnit I WILL show her what it's like to feel LOVE and WANTED.

I apologize for sounding like I was venting and thanks to this blog post I'll be able to start facing the day tomorrow when she is in my home and under my roof where I'll care for her. I will BE the friend she needs right now. You'll be seeing much less of me than you all already do, but I'll pop in when I can and update her progress for you all, but if you can find it in your hearts, your prayers are needed. Not for me, but for her. I refuse to give up hope and I do wish upon every star for a miracle. 

If you'd like to just pop a hey out to me and I don't mind, but I can't promise I'll reply right away my email addy is somnus_octavian@yahoo.com

On a final note of a long winded post, I'm ending it with a song that Wendy has really gotten herself hooked on. There's never a drive in my car when she's in it with me that she doesn't have me play this song. It chokes me up so I won't listen to it here. It's enough I remain strong when driving while she's singing the words repeatedly.

CIAO everyone and thanks you for reading.

Wendy, this song I dedicate to you cause I know you'll be reading this post. Love you chick!