Monday, April 30, 2012

Adjusting.... to LIFE


Those that know me, will completely follow this, for those that do not... well you might, possibly, have been in a similar experience...

In this day of post 9/11 world going to hell in the quite large spiffily advertised, cheaply manufactured, crappily assembled, quite possibly sabotaged, pre-ordered and awaiting hand carved by monks wicker basket - yes I am a irrevocably jaded individual - are well aware as a whole are cracked. To say: Broken, Fractured, Bent, .. yadayada. Publicly we watch schools have kinder gardeners arrested for assault and or charged with sexual harassment. Have teetotal BF's (bitch fits) when our specially crafted ubber swank latte's have one too less cinnamon flakes or quite possibly the pimply freak supporting a family of four before he or she is even twenty-one put one less sugar squirts or chocolate swirls in the friggin six buck a pop medium swag crafted cup. No longer do we blink and oogle when tits and brains hit the tv screen, but instead have loud lengthy blogs denouncing said show for NOT spreading boobs, beaver, and gun toting graphic gore within their appointed hour of brain leaching. - I know, I know, I'm just as addicted as you *stirring my own monk crafted sugar and crack laced Dr Pepper chocolate induced slurpee* - We are so screwball insane that when reality, LIFE, comes knocking its a true slap in the face... and what was day to day normality of our insane lives becomes absurdly surreal. 

Case in Point. 

I sit, after an insurmountable bout of Murphys Law kicking my ass into forced medical leave. Its not the first time, after all I am a confused convoluted mutt of such a blend Murphy seems to be quite possibly directly bio descended... that or the gods just love getting massive gigs off my stubborn butt. Right, so, usually on leave its short term or I defy and continue on my merry obstinate way... however, since last summer and more frequently to point the last 4 months, my butt has unhappily landed in such straights that I am eternally in WTF mode.

Oh yes, WHAT THE FUCK?? mode. 

The fates full frontal slap around. 

My career is the type that absurdity and adrenalin is bread and butter, rarely have I endured the Lucy Public life of worrying over shopping lists and kiddie drama or nightly feast orders while pulling on a rather unflattering maid uniform to polish the house before sludging my under appreciated Pollyanna self in for Burt's cock insertion and over inflamed oral demands.... - shivers horrifically - 

Don't get me wrong, I think those chicks are heros! 

BUT I am not one. 

So, here I sit in a strange foreign land wondering HOW the FUCK did I land here. What the hell do I do next... and Where the hell did my life go??

More importantly.... WHERE THE HELL DID I GO??

It seems that I have gone from "no time due to work and insane schedule" to "dude, what fucking day is it??" while juggling mouses, lizard kings, and trying to manage wash/house/peeps/pricks/med demands.. and the nefarious caveman who is on his own adventure. This week I got the slap of reality when a call came in informing me of more serious med shit and then my uplink for work asking why the hell haven't I reported in and when the hell am I getting back in..... or out completely. I didn't even realize it was turning May!!

Suddenly I fell into a chair as wall met my head with the slap.

Mind flooding with everything. Every-fucking-thing that's gone down and personally coming apart. Finding it impossible to face that my brain is melting, literally, and my future is what? Waking to automotron life of Lucy Public and skulking around a house with the only choice of the day being which chair to destroy with my widening lard butt... well its not lard, but give it time it will be... 

Normal life is... scary. Horrifyingly so. 

I am not used to fighting a fight I can't win. Which is a fight I am in. A fight against a nameless disease that so far doctors can't name and just throw drugs at... drugs that barely take the edge off. While I drown in that I realized that I am unsuccessfully burying myself in everything but what I need, love, and want to do... like say writing... 

I sit in a yelling screaming crowd completely alone. Not talking or dealing, just drifting in this plastic horrifying existence with no thought other than the next thing that implodes or screams for attention. Understanding the deep vast hole my brother and people like him stare into. Time passing without acknowledging it, my head peeking up occasionally for a slap. 

Noting, when I do, that I am nothing like myself. Seeing a nodding, uncaring, nice numb subservient meat bag running through motions... and exempting a very few select individuals, surrounded by people who patronize me with fake understanding or hard fuck offs so that in the end my spot in the crowd is more akin to the island of the forgotten. Our society so self absorbed and tuned that if your out of sight you are indeed out of mind... then we should have realized that from the movie Beach when the islanders drug the sick away and let them die forgotten by gangrene

Why should I be surprised when those I depended on are gone and that I find myself in blackball hell where I sit contemplating if those I love are alive and which hand exactly do I handle Burt with while juggling mouses, lizard kings, and all the other crap that comes with a screaming house of day to fucking day LIFE...  all the while looking... no dying in desperate claws... for that exit off the horrific merry-go-round that will somehow, someway, some-soon-fucking-day get me the hell back to being ME. 

... hopefully before I lose more of my mind and function. 

The song flat out says it all.... but I am not giving up, I plan to take a good friend's advice and force a hour or two in my day to myself.. to writing. The rest and feelings, coping... who knows. 

- had to get this off my chest... its weighing heavy on my mind. I can't hide from the hard choices or bury my face in the slurpee equivalent of a wet blanket and let life fling by... anymore.

Saturday, April 28, 2012

Shades of Grey by Michael Cargill

My rating: 5 of 5 stars

When I saw the announcement on anyone interested in reviewing this book I signed up in an instant. Not because it's m/m because it def isn't that. I told myself I would go out of my normal genre reading zone and chose this one. Boy did I ever! The cover I'll say is what brought my attention to the forefront the most.

Michael presents you with 3 stories. 2 with men and one with a young boy.

1. Shades of Grey: Features John who's kidnapped and you'll read in his POV his thoughts while he's being held captive. (When I asked Michael a Q regarding the ending of this one he replied: If I tell you I'd have to hack your PC and delete my answer) :snickering:

2. There and Back Again: About James. A soldier in the war and experience his ordeal.

3. Down the Rabbit Hole: Young boy named Tom and his mischievous stuff animal toy.

I won't give more details than the above on each story since I'm not one to spoil it for potential readers. What came to mind after even having finished the first story was Sterling's Twilight zone storied. I really enjoyed the time that was aired on the tube. I miss them, but Michael brought some of that back with these short. Shorts versions that have potential to become great novels and def a great read from the norm.

I got a great taste of the genre I haven't really explored outside of m/m before. These interesting stories has a little bite that left me wanting more and their endings left it wide open for your mind to think, wonder and explore the possibilities of the impossible. You'll experience a mixed bag of intrigue, fascination and chills in the vivid details.

Overall this is a decent book worthwhile for fans of these kinda stories and I highly recommend it. But my honest perceives me and out of all 3? I impartial the last one the most with little Tommy.

Kudos and a two thumbs up and I look forward to reading what others Michael has to offer. 

Final note: I have many followers, but I'm limited here. Michael has given me the permission to offer the first 10 to be interested in this book to contact me and I can award them with a copy of this book which is available at Smashwords. You can leave a comment here with your email details or send me a private message.

Sunday, April 22, 2012

Hushed by Kelley York

My rating: 4 of 5 stars

There were 2 instances, scenes in the book that cut off abruptly and continued into the next chapter, following day without knowing what happened next or even the character thinking back on it and I will admit that I found that quite frustrating and these were pertinent scenes and points to the story itself.

Other than that I liked the story if even the main ch was a gullible wimp and allowed one so called friend put him into a place no one should be in. I am glad it ended the way it had, but in a way so not.

Do I sound confusing? You don't know the half of it. I ground my teeth, gnashed them and wanted to throw my paperback at times, but I made it to the end. My rating is high because it's very well written and I do digress the story will keep your interest right to the very end. So hang in with it even if you feel like giving up.

Friday, April 20, 2012

April 2012

      Well it's just a few more months before my new little enters this world. You would think that I would be thrilled? Now don't get me wrong I am thrilled but I know it's just a matter of time for something happens and I can't get that out of my head. We are now getting to see his son again. I'm just not sure how to handle everything anymore? One part of me just wants to take my mate, the baby and the puppy and get the hell out of Dodge but another part me wants to stay so he can be near his son. I just wish I knew what to do anymore. I feel like I'm back to square one with his son in trying to get any bounderies or rules sets. I also feel like the child is beginning to get his way again. I know I'm being so overwhelmed and I also feel like I am so lost at sea without any hope of finding land. Just wish I knew what to do?

Thursday, April 12, 2012


I found these quotes and I've really enjoyed reading them. Repeatedly. I have them set up on my eReader so each time it times out one appears. So's thought I'd share them with you all.





Friday, April 6, 2012

Happy Easter !

I chose this picture with the golden eggs and feathers to wish you all Happy Easter for a particularly specific reason. Gold because all of you who follow this blog are golden and special beyond words in my eyes and the feathers represent angelic and purity because I cherish each and every one of you. 

Trapdoor by Vixen Phillips

My rating: 5 of 5 stars

Amazing cover? Do be fooled. 
This is one book that's completely intense and it's kept that way throughout the book as you keep reading it. I won't delve into what it's about, because the excerpt provides that for you, but don't be fooled by it. It does NOT tell you the majority of the content or even what you're about to experience once you start at page one, but I sure as hell will tell you about the emotional clusterfawk I experienced while reading it.

The story is so exceptionally written that it even messed with my own frame of mind to the point that I've already read this book last month, but it's taken me till now to even put some words on it into my short review here. I had trouble getting past the events that held nothing positive to uplift the story from a severe landslide down into a hailstorm of trauma, and negativism. and I was in complete conflict on how to rate this one and in a personal breakdown I would admit to a 5 in the written story itself, but 2 for the complete type of content. It's in first person but switches into the point of view of the two main characters Pegasus and Raven. These two are self-destructing in the one life they have to live.

After each page completed it declined and descended into a very oppressive and depressing read. It'll get to the point that the story will induce depression on an unhealthy scale. You can't help but fall head over heals for both the characters, but your mind and your heart will hurt perhaps even bleed for them to the very end.

If you're looking for a HEA ending don't look for it in this story? You won't find it with this one.
If you're looking for a light read? Not in this one.
If you're looking for one where there's damaged characters, but life will get better for them? Not here either. It's too dark in mood and setting.

BUT If you're looking for a story that will blow your mind with totally complete intensity? You've got it here.

I'll end this review with saying that without a doubt I will read more from this author cause I'm amazed by how she writes and mucho curious after this story, what she would produce next.