Tuesday, November 29, 2011

Just tunes

Just a couple erm some, perhaps a few or more songs from my play list :snickering: Enjoy!

Sunday, November 27, 2011


What Im filling my head up when not zoning on Dexter/Walking Dead/Breaking Bad catch up... its freezing wet and my body caint decide if we should bake in hell, deep freeze the tits, or go drown in the puppy pool... can we say VICODIN or OXY anyone? *nods to invisible demon children* Yes we can amongst many other goodies in the candy bag of SHUT THE FUCK UP AND GIVE ME A F"N BREAK..... 

Akhem, yah, okay Im broken... so enjoy the music.

Saturday, November 26, 2011

Mental Escapades:

Turkey Day

There are two major reasons to hate turkey day, as turkey day and not the day of thanks which completely misconstrued and lost in today’s day and age.

~ Yes I have a serious bent loathing on the subject, but follow me I actually have a point! ~

1.     First and foremost is the fact you are actually celebrating the day that signed the pact of complete annihilation of a race, MY race, of people. American Indians. I am Cherokee. Our people being of a natural giving nature, gave the alien pale forms food and skill of growing upon this foreign soil for what? To be slaughtered in the billions and prosecuted right up and into today.

Give that a second to soak in.

Billions of Indians slaughtered from the day of the pact blessed with shaking hands over a meal shared between men, only to be flipped and turned into a hunted persecution, domination, and intentional obliteration. From the start to modern day this act has been sanctified and celebrated every year. Can you imagine doing such a thing over Hitler’s wipeout of Jews? S. Africans? Congolese Nations? Tibetans? Serbians? Latinos? Man the world would go insane with uproar if anyone even thought of celebrating the start of those racial wars. Yet we have major football events, parades, tv specials, and parties completely dedicated to this.

Sorry all I can think of is how my grandma’s entire tribe was obliterated, literally. There are no full blooded members, and only less than a handful of half bloods, two handfuls of quarter bloods. By the time I and my siblings die there will be absolutely no trace of this extinct line. NONE, like the freaking dinos it will be gone.

I think about how my direct ancestors, the proud and peaceful Cherokee, were lethally collected and then brutally driven from the southern shores across states and into Oklahoma along the trail of tears. How many died from exhaustion, weather, sickness, starvation, and so on.

How then the government kept whittling or moving the reservations to suit their wants or mineral finds so that the people lived on damn near inhabitable land. How they then country wide gave them typhoid blankets, rat infested grains, and other infected things in a solid and documented effort to take more land by annihilation. And when that didn’t work, they took our children and stripped them of their culture, language, and identity by forcing them in mandated boarding schools. Creating generations who knew nothing of what they were or in some cases even where they lived or came from due to the children being too young. Thus breaking the eternal souls of the American Indian who mourned their children as if they were dead, my grandfather was one.

They never found his siblings and his name was changed to Bill. As a bonified American hero; rear admiral in the Navy and one of the first SEALs buried with honor and presidential appearance for his bravery and actions; he never forgot or forgave the day they came with busses and dragged him from his home slapping a stringed cardboard sign on his chest and shoes on his feet then cut his hair to a short crew cut. The bus was as cold as the boarding school, the sign read his name was now Bill, and with that he entered the white man’s world.

How today most of the reservations cannot support themselves or people since the towns and jobs are impossibly far and government checks barely cover cost or get spent on the liquor stores or drugs peddled in and allowed licenses while other businesses are not. How like many of todays poor get stamps or checks that barely cover fatty based foods and not the healthy stuff like veggies, and how that brings mass waves of diabetes effectively helping wipeout the minorities even more. Not every res has casinos or cash markets. Not every res has good schools or doctors. Nearly all reservations are located in remote rural places that make it hard for the people to find work or go to a decent school, which leaves the younger generations without solid education or college…. Which as we all know creates a rut you cannot escape.

Very few recognize exactly what they are celebrating on Thanksgiving Day.
Murder, slaughter, suffering.

2.   Besides that horror, there is the actual thankless part of THANKSgiving. It really should be called PLASTICgiving or SLAVEgiving.

All you do is spend the day either slaving in a kitchen over a meal that really truly isn’t worth it. – my biased hate of most turkeyday gross food aside – You make a giant bird that takes hrs and hrs cooking; then eventually after its torn apart u have to debone it and package it; cook every dish known to man: Stuffing, corn, sweet potato/yam something or other, cassaroles, pudding or fruit gobby whatevers, bread, rolls, pies upon pies… yada yada. Then sit down for a whole 30 if your lucky while yelling at kids to not gobble or throw junk, yell at husbands to use a napkin or fork and quite waving the meat around while talk/arguing some point or sport or whatever, catch food flying at your head from said kids, play nice to some chick or dude that got invited that you really wish had read the implied ‘do not respond to plastic invite’… O’ and you got all your brood dressed nice and combed for this event, done up the house, checked the animals for nonflea infested ready to bite and tear up the place mode by kicking them out. – Then clean it ALL up!


If you’re lucky enough to GO and invade some other house:  Then it’s the get the brood fancy dressed and combed, smelling right even if the boys always seem to have some wak smell lingering from foreign substances growing in their closets or under the bed… arse crack?... and spend the entire drive warning them with deep serious threats of bodily harm if they say… light nanny’s hair on fire or decide to mud wrestle in the back yard or decide now is the time to let every dark secret you’ve kept bottled up the entire year out in a wide spread freak flag… so fun… then spend the entire time helping do food or avoiding those people you secretly loath only to discover you apparently have ‘come torture me’ stamped on your head or rump. ~ Again plastic smiles, plastic conversation, plastic ‘we are perfect’ all trampled over you.  

And then it’s the plastic prayed or toasted thanks circled around the table in all the usual forms, which never really is the real deal ‘thanks’ you should be giving or any actual act you’ve done besides herd in your brood and thanking god none of you died in the process over the year.

Very few have actually gotten off their butts and gave in the actual sense of the word or spirit of what this holiday is suppose to be. Giving food to those that do not have, giving items they need, giving time to those that are basically ignored. I do not mean just dropping a turkey off or a basket of food at your church or whatever. I mean seeking out the REAL needy people and giving. The guy digging in your trash or living in a shack, the woman who’s got 3 kids and no job, the elderly down at the home who would give anything for attention or a surprise. – And not for just the day. Continuing as you can all through the year.

Basically not be plastic.

If you’re going to celebrate DO it knowing what and why and actually giving a damn outside your little sheep bubble. See what is really going down in your hood and help out. Give things people need: Jobs, Bills paid, Homes, Cars, Clothing and toys, Education… so on. Even if it’s just a small amount, that small amount adds up. It doesn’t have to be money or food, it could be anything. Even a smile and ear makes a big difference.

SO, yah, Turkey day isn’t my holiday. I get fed up with all the plastic judging people with fake attitudes and fake style or airs. Money don’t mean a thing to me, I really truly hate pretty much everything on the table, I don’t do fake… anyone who knows me would say A-Fraking-Men to that, and for me it’s like dining over dead bodies…much like giving me flowers, why would you hand me dead things and want a kiss or praise? You misewell have handed me a severed hand or arm…. *shakes head* It makes no sense to me.

At least I can use the arm to beat you with.

I may not be the most sane being on the planet, but I do have my priorities… and those with me either get off their butts and DO or they don’t get fed…. When, if ever, they convince me to slave on freaking Slaughterday.

This year they didn’t push.
This year I was pampered.
This year we had Ezmart chicken, slurpy’s that last all day, oven baked cinnamon rolls dripping in cream.
This year I tried not to think too hard.
… and this year Caveman took my sharp shiny exploding toys away… so this year there was no ER or cops. *sighs hard* SO SO SO wrong!

This year I missed my boys super for really bad.

November 2011

     Hope everyone enjoyed their feast the other day? Now to tell you all the truth I really wasn't in the celebrating mood. Reasons are I was heading down the dark tunnel again. NO Demon I wasn't even thinking about doing anything stupid either *grins at Sid* I was just missing my children so much that it was taking on a darkness that never should have occurred is all. Not to mention I just celebrated my birthday and that didn't help the matters any. IF anything it made my mood and the situation worse. That and I was severely missing my mate's time and all. But everything is all right. I got to talk to my girls a little and went with my mate to visit some friends for the holiday and all. Now to tell you all something my mate ended his ass up in the 'dog house' a few days back. Why? You all ask...Well here is the story. Remember it's not a pretty story either. He told me a couple of weeks ago that 'women were the cows of people'. *Picturing everyone scratching their heads* How who all might ask can 'women be the cows of people'? Well the answer is that women carry new life, give birth and breast feed the child (ren). Just like cows do *rolls eyes* Yeah I told that one to my soul brother. He snickered too. I wasn't happy then a few days ago my Wolf decides to call me the H word...HEIFER...Of all things to call a women. Especially a pupped woman. Yeah he ended up in the dog house for that word alone. I personally find it offensive to calling a woman the H word period...So fellas if you all don't want to end up in the 'dog house' as my Wolf did DON'T ever call a woman the H word. *smiles wickedly* Just call her what she is to you instead *;) wickedly*

Friday, November 25, 2011

Newest addition to the mino crew:

So, yah, ok intros…intros… intros…

I am a murderer…of the English speakenese

I am a vivid member of the order of mental nutcases

I do bite, often and with both complete irrational and sadistic intent while being completely and positively in my full mental capacity, so as it stands in the court of psychos R us where Ted Bundy, Ed Gain, Jeffery Dahmer reside alongside Lucile Ball, George Carlin, and the infamous Mr PotatoHead - for which we all know explains why spontaneously around the world people fall to pieces at a drop of a dime… just like sheep, baaaah, for slaughter in hilariously horrific happenstance.

I am a ranter, and it can very possibly come in several dialects as I am a mixed up mutt who collects languages as quickly as a sponge soaks up muck juice after a good dismembering slaughter. It’s a natural disposition.

I am and shall always be the eternal oddball.

Incase maybe possibly you have missed the completely obvious and well stamped damaged square in the middle of my head, I do not live amongst the sheep nor do I plod along the misguided bonebags. I live in my world and occasionally give you glimpses into the enchanting reality of the flipside, where things do go bump in the night and everything is not what it seems to the insignificant lameness of the human eye.

I am Raiden Kai

Sunday, November 20, 2011


This post was a long time coming and I wanted to blog about it today. I found a great website about it and before I post this I wish to say a few words personally on this topic myself. I'm unfortunately a very 'trusting' soul. People confide in me and to me and I never ever betray that confidence. I keep what is said to myself in strict confidence and it's never repeated, but not sure if some of you like myself have had that TRUST betrayed. I have on more than one occasion. 

Does it hurt? Fawking right it does! 

People can be so cruel and not realize the damage and chaos they've created till it's too late. You CAN NOT turn back time. What's done is done and I can not fathom why they done it, but it doesn't even warrant 1% of my forgiveness. EVER. Someone you might have thought was your closest friend(s) can do it to you as it has been done to me. I've had a well known author do it to me. Shock? Tell me about it!! For what reason? Good question. One only they can answer and I'm at a point in my life that I don't give a rats arse anymore. I'm over it and the damage is done. Will I ever trust again? I have with a selected few. Trust is not something that should be taken lightly. It's not a game. It's a person's LIFE!

Now on to this article I've found regarding TRUST:

What is Trust?

Trust is both and emotional and logical act. Emotionally, it is where you expose your vulnerabilities to people, but believing they will not take advantage of your openness. Logically, it is where you have assessed the probabilities of gain and loss, calculating expected utility based on hard performance data, and concluded that the person in question will behave in a predictable manner. In practice, trust is a bit of both. I trust you because I have experienced your trustworthiness and because I have faith in human nature.

We feel trust. Emotions associated with trust include companionship, friendship, love, agreement, relaxation, comfort.

There are a number of different ways we can define trust. Here are the dimensions of trust and consequent definitions.


It is a normal part of the human condition to be constantly forecasting ahead. We build internal models of the world based both on our experiences and what others tell us, and then use these to guess what will happen next. This allows us to spot and prepare for threats and also make plans to achieve our longer-term goals.
The greatest unpredictability is at 50%; a reliable enemy can be preferable to an unpredictable friend, as at least we know where we are with them.
Definition 1: Trust means being able to predict what other people will do and what situations will occur. If we can surround ourselves with people we trust, then we can create a safe present and an even better future.

Value exchange

Most of what we do with other people is based around exchange, which is the basis for all businesses as well as simple relationships. At its simplest, it is exchange of goods. I will swap you two sheep for one cow. It is easy to calculate the value in such material bargaining. Things get more complex when less tangible forces come into play. A parent exchanges attention for love. A company exchanges not only pay but good working conditions for the intellectual and manual efforts of its workforce. Value exchange works because we each value things differently. If I have a whole flock of sheep but no milk, then I can do business with a person who has a herd of cows but no clothes. This principle of reciprocity is what binds societies together. Trust in value exchange occurs when we do not know fully whether what we are receiving is what we expect. When we buy a car, don’t want to be sold a ringer which the seller knows is faulty. When I get advice in business, I want it to be based on facts, not wild opinions.
Definition 2: Trust means making an exchange with someone when you do not have full knowledge about them, their intent and the things they are offering to you.

Delayed reciprocity

Exchange is not just about an immediate swapping of cows and sheep or hugs and kisses. What makes companies and societies really work is that something is given now, but the return is paid back some time in the future. The advantage of this is that we can create a more flexible environment, where you can get what you need when you need it, rather than having to save up for it. Trust now becomes particularly important, because otherwise we are giving something for nothing. The delay we have placed in the reciprocal arrangement adds a high level of uncertainty which we need to mitigate through trust. What is often called the ‘golden rule’ is a simple formula for creating trust. ‘Do unto others as you would have them do unto you.’ It sets up the dynamic for my giving you something now with the hope of getting back some unspecified thing in the indeterminate future.
Definition 3: Trust means giving something now with an expectation that it will be repaid, possibly in some unspecified way at some unspecified time in the future.

Exposed vulnerabilities

When we trust other people, we may not only be giving them something in hope of getting something else back in the future, we may also be exposing ourselves in a way that they can take advantage of our vulnerabilities. If I buy a car from you and I do not know a good price, you can lie to me so you get a better bargain. If I tell you in confidence about the problems I am having with work, you could use this to further your own career at my expense.

Although the threat of retribution or projected feelings of guilt can counteract your temptation to abuse my exposed vulnerabilities, if you succumb I still get hurt and may still end up with the shorter stick. For our transaction to complete successfully, I must be able to trust that such agonies will not come to pass.
Definition 4: Trust means enabling other people to take advantage of your vulnerabilities—but expecting that they will not do this.

So what?

So learn about trust, how it works and how to build it. If you do it well, other people will give you the earth. If you betray them, they will hunt you to the ends of the earth.

Tuesday, November 15, 2011

November 2011

     Life can be funny at times and for me this would be one of those moments. I look back on my life and I wonder what things I could change if given the chance? But for the most part I wouldn't change any of it. Even the loss of my grandparents *waves the tears away* Sorry but the holidays are very emotional for me. Now who would have thought that I would be having another child at my age? I didn't. Even though I wanted a baby boy of my own I had resigned myself to my two girls of which I wouldn't change for anything in the world :) Yes I do get philosophical at times like now *giggles* But honestly when you think you have your life the way that you want it and you don't think of it any other way then the fates decide to intervene once more with something totally different. You wonder if they are out to get you? Or to make your life better? Well, my mate and I both wonder how the two of us got to be so damn lucky at having come together finally. That I asked him last night how he knew that I was meant for him? And he responded to me "I had a dream." That was it I didn't ask him anymore even though I wanted too :) But I asked him this morning how we got to be so damn lucky in finding each other? And he responded "That the fates decided to help." Knowing me as well as I do, I just asked to ask "Help? How?" Then my mate responded, "After everything that we went through they decided to give us to the other." Which makes sense if you stop to think about it.
     I know from personal experience at just what bitches the fates are. But in the long run they do know what they are doing. And I'm very thankful to them for giving me such wonderful gifts eg my daughters, mate and our puppy to be. As well as my family that I have made through the writing groups such as Devil's Playground and LoS (Ladies of Sanctuary) which brought out some of the very best authors and writers that I have come to call friends like Edward, Sin, Sid and so many more. To me these people are more than friends and fellow writers they are family as well. I also have to thank the fates for extending my family to a few others that I have met online and will be meeting in person soon. Melissa and her family, Stacy and of course my Scottish brother Finni :) Love to you all and may the gods keep you all safe :)

Saturday, November 12, 2011

November 2011

     Sorry for not being on but I have to deal with a very lousy internet connection *growls* I do have some good news. My Wolf and I went to his very last courtdate and his case was thrown out because his psycotic ex didn't so up *does happy dance* We also are getting his son more and more for visits. We are reclaiming our cozy den again *smiles wickedly* My Wolf thinks that I'm about 2 mnths along and he thinks that we are having twins...NOT FUNNY about that twins. Oh yeah his ex broke up with her boyfriend and no I don't give a fawking damn about it either *giggles* So she is hanging out with our jackass for a roommate who by the way is a very disrespectful, slovenly, near do well. But they do fit well together...She works and makes money and he sponges off of others *smiles* They also go barhopping together and so forth just as long as they leave me and my mate alone *winks wickedly* Also in the near future I will be getting hitched to my mate permnenatly *giggles* before our pup is born :). It just isn't the same without my daughters with me. Yes I do have two beautiful girls who are 13 and 12. I spoke to my sister in law to find out how they were doing especially my oldest. And I'm just glad that she's getting her life back on track again *claps hands excitedly* But it doesn't help with the emptiness of missing them though...Sorry *waves the tears away*

Been Thinking...

Hmm that post title is pretty freakish huh? When I get thinking it can goes down two ways: To the left of the bend in the road or to the right. Which would you take when you hit that fork in the road? Depends where it'll lead you right? Yeha... thought so. See, I can read your minds. :snickering: Just yanking. 

It's 7am and I'm wondering to myself why the hell am I up so early, but again why the hell did I go to bed so early which would contribute to it. It's the bleeding time change I tell yeah. Gets light out earlier in the morning and darker earlier at night. It just messes with you to the max. It's bullshit really.

So this has been one really busy month for me so far. We just celebrated my 'rents 40th wedding anniversary, it was Halloween which was a blast as always. Sorry, but I'm still a kid at heart and I get a kick outta dressing up. What I didn't mention is I also just celebrated my birthday and didn't let on I did to any of you before that time arrived. I just wasn't up to celebrating this one this year. I'm not one ashamed to reveal how old I turned and when asked I will admit to it. Everyone says it's not the number but how you feel inside. So to those of you who are curious? I'm not 45. :waiting for the gasps around the room: I didn't do anything to celebrate since at the time I wasn't in the partying mood, but better late than never, I'll be going out tonight with a very good friend that I've been missing dearly. 

I find it ironic how my friend is HIV+ and his newest man that he's totally in love with is a paramedic. I'm sooo happy for him. I wish I could be that lucky, but it's just not in the cards for me and that's AWRIGHT. It doesn't bother me at all. I tend to place others' happiness ahead of my own. I get satisfaction out of seeing those that have struggled or had shit handed to them on a gold platter happy for a change. It makes me happy. Maybe I should have my own GLEE club :snorting: 

Now to one other topic change: I've been neglectful on going to my Groups III post and I do digress I've been lagging. I've been having to go back into my archives to compile the information I need in order to do that blog post, put I'm getting there. I'm quite eager to get to it and introduce to you all the characters that I left Isis' story for and went to. Trust me, you won't be disappointed in the least. I hope you'll turn to love this character as much as I have and enjoyed writing him. He was my way of expressing and bringing to light my inner demons. 

I've yammered long enough. For now. I'll leave you with a song which has no particular meaning to it. I just like it, the groups and the words.

Saturday, November 5, 2011

My tunes

After a lengthy chat with my counselor yesterday and we had spoken in depth, I came to the conclusion with her that since I already note in a booklet for her daily, to discuss weekly when we meet, when something gets to me, that will last for more the 15 minutes in annoyance that I'm not going to carry any of my shit here. I have nothing against anyone's blog that posts their issues, problems or things that they've dealt with that can somewhat be rather depressive, but I've chosen not to follow that path going forward. I want to keep, for me, the blog light and uplifting for most part. I used to be the one to make everyone laugh and always had something quirky to say, always had a comeback for everything and I was the one that you could count on when you were feeling down, to cheer you up. Well... I want that back! I'm going to get that back. 

Past events over the last year has hurt me, fawked with my head and thinking along with altering my views of others to the point that, like I had told my counselor, there were those that I had felt sorry for at one time and when they hurt so had I, but I'm not hurting anymore. I feel sorry, sure and pity for them, but I won't EVER let it break me down ever again. Some aren't worth it, yet others are. With everything that's had an impact on me so have my tastes in tunage. I'll post below where my tastes lay these days and what I'm listening to. You want to know what they sound like? Youtube it.

  • Karl Wolf - Ghetto Love
  • Boyz 2 Men - End of The Road
  • Cheap Trick - If You Need Me
  • Def Leppard - Undefeated, When Love and Hate Collide
  • Foster The People - Helena Beat, Pumped Up Kicks (thanks goes out to Thorny for getting me hooked on this group)
  • Hedley - Invincible
  • Keel - Because The Night
  • Rihanna - Cheers
  • Savage Garden - Crash & Burn
  • Secondhand Serenade - Your Call
  • One Republic - Secret
  • Stereos - Butterflies
  • Velvet Revolver - Fall To Pieces
  • Westlife - What About Now
  • Chris Daughtry - Life After You
  • Breathe Carolina - Blackout
  • Coldplay - Every Drop is a Waterfall
  • Craig David - I'm Walking Away
  • Evanescence - Everybody's Fool
  • Eighteen Visions - Last Night
  • Michelle Branch - Goodbye To You
  • Plain White T's - Let Me Take You There
  • Thriving Ivory (every song of theirs)
  • Rihanna - S&M

Many more to name, but that's just a few and they make the top of my list.

Tuesday, November 1, 2011


I'm having one of the weeks where I'm feeling really down in the dumps and to try and attempt to lift my spirits some this was sent to me and I just had to share it.

After seeing this see my reaction in the pic below.

Have a great week, folks!