Friday, December 9, 2011

Not as planned

This is not what I had planned to post today. I wanted to do something fun on what was or is your favorite Christmas flick whether classic or current. I'll say anyhow that growing up it was the Drummer Boy and now it's The Christmas Shoes that sucks me in every shot and I watch it all the time. Including the Drummer Boy if I can still catch it.

Like I said this WAS what I wanted to talk about, but alas not so much anymore. I actually started out great today. I met up with my counselor and can I say she's one amazing lady? We don't meet in no office, but at the local mall which makes the setting more easy going and comfortable. ALL counselors should do it that way. Right? I've come a long way with her help which has been every Friday since September and I really am making progress. I won't go into the particulars of what we discuss since it's confidential, but I will say that my anxieties have been running high since my health has been taking a concerning nose dive and she's helped me to cope and face whatever will become of the test and results. 

I left my session and off to work feeling positive and very confident only to have it short lived. They say everything comes in threes and it did for me,  but it occurred all in one day.

1. One of the guys at work went in for surgery on his throat. Cancer.
2. Another guy at work has taken time off to spend the last days with his wife who is rapidly deteriorating from liver cancer. 

and the worst one:
3. My big boss's wife had been fighting a brain tumor for the last 4 years and she's now losing the battle. They're just making her comfortable at home for the short time left. They have an 8 year old little boy that they just broke the news to after trying to hide it from him for so long. It's like a real Christmas Shoes story in its own way. It's sad and down right depressing.

My day even ended with some dude cursing at me over the phone like a foul fawktard he is, made threats and talked about things I can shove up in areas that wouldn't feel very kosher. It's the company he was pissed at, but picking up the damn call I wound up being the recipient. :sighs: Was time to call it a day. Seriously.

I drove home asking myself: Is there even any good left in the world? I'm not finding it and I'm sure as fawk not seeing it. Everywhere I look around me it's nothing but negativity and ok so yeah it's coming off me right now, but can you blame me!? Really? 

Life. Just. Sucks!

Well folks... If you can point out to me something positive and make me alter my views of life then have at it.

My insides are on fire, I'm feeling sick to my gut and not doing so shit hawt. Mentally and physically I'm drained and 'm done writing for today. For the weekend. Maybe longer. Who knows with me these days.

Fawking, bleeding hell. Time for someone else to take over posting for awhile. I'm calling it a night and going to crash. 

Have a great weekend folks.


  1. When it rains it really pours, doesn't it? I think that we all have periods of time in our lives in which we have one bad freaking thing after another happen to us and the question is always...why?!

    I wish I knew that answer, but I don't. I will say that when shit like that happens and things get too out of control for me, I like to just sit down and think of the good things that I've got going in my life. Yes, sometimes that's a struggle to do that, but it can be done.
    Even you wrote about a few good things:

    You like your therapist and had a great session when him.

    You love the Little Drummer Boy and try to watch it every year. (I like that one too, although Charlie Brown's Christmas is my favorite)

    You've built some wonderful Christmas traditions with your family (previous post)

    Maybe that's not a lot, but it's a start.

    I am truly sorry about your friends and about the crappy day you had. I don't know if it means anything to you, but I always look forward to what you have to say...whatever it is. I think you're very insightful and interesting person to know.

    I hope your day gets better.


  2. Andi, I wish...I wish I had seen your comment before :sighs: After writing this post I went into an all out panic before I even realized that it was stress/anxiety and after extreme chest pains I spent most of my night at the hospital in emergency getting my heart checked, blood work done and them bringing down my blood pressure which went A-wall. They've booked me in for a stress test. How peachy.

    I'm home now but drained and tired after not having slept much. I find it hard to sleep during the day when it's sunny out.

    Andi your comments make me realize so much and if this happens again and hoping it doesn't, I'll come back and read this in order to filter out some of the bad. You are an angel among angels!

  3. *blushes* Thank you...just thank you:)
    Oh God! I'm so glad you're doing alright!! I'm sorry you had such a terrible night. I know you said it was stress and anxiety, but I'm glad you're still going to take further tests just to make sure.
    I'm so thrilled you are feeling better. THAT is MY happy thought for the day.

  4. Do yourself one better - Print it out now and post it on a wall so that you don't have to come back and find it in the future. Keep it handy to keep you strong. =)


  5. Adara, you must have tapped into my counselor's mind. She suggested the exact same thing and it's a project I need to work on over the holidays. So to all who had nothing but positive words said to my on my blogs I'll be compiling them to a document to lift me up when I'm feeling down.

    Thank you!

  6. Demon, you are very special and truly unique. You have done amazing things. Written amazing stories. When you write you pull the readers into them and make them feel like they are right there going through the trials and tribulations of your characters. But Andi is right when it rains it does pour. So you are not alone in that sense. But there is one thing that you have that most people don't and that is all of US to look out for and to care for you. Even though we are far apart and only are connected via the web. We are still a FAMILY and a force to be reckoned with. You are our beloved friend, brother and so much more to us. Most of us met via LoS and then again in the DP and now here on the blog. But to me you are the Demon of the group and always will be ;)Love you my friend *hugs*. I couldn't ask for a better friend than you. Not now not ever. We travel this life together for a reason and I'm sure we will travel the next life together for a reason also. So hang in there and hold your head high and to fawking hell with the ignorant morons in this world.

  7. Your words have moved this tough demon to tears :sniffs: I just found out I have moderate chronic kidney disease that's brought me to my knees and breaking down completely. Its stage 3.

    Thanks for words that came at the perfect time. Now. When its needed. Truly you are my forever Angel.

  8. Putting positives on the wall along with positive goals always helps,right up there with pics of peeps and things that make u smile.

    Never let it get u down.. and yah, its damn hard to get around, but it is possible *flicking ur ear with a snickering whisper* Use the stories and make Ice baby get crunk *shivers in all the good places* ooooh yaaah *sultry gleam* U know how I love that rock... LOL

    Serious, like I said Sid, all the little things add up and help keep u from that razor edge... and there is some good out there. Usually in small faces and wide innocent eyes.


    *whaps ur head* HA!! u thought the tiny hellions that drive the energizer bunny mental (XX)^(XX)

  9. I wish you well in this time and hope you can find peace for yourself . you are a good person and you do not need to be down and sad but up and happy with what life has givven you in good things not the bad that has happened in your life.