Tuesday, July 26, 2011

Mental Healing

I’ll start out by saying that in comparison to the last couple months this is one of the best? No better days I’ve had during that time. I won’t deny how rough it’s been for me both mentally and physically exhausting. I’ve endured heartbreak at losing trusted friends, but I’ve also gained some in exchange. I’ve loved deep and lost deeper and it broke me. It’s been overwhelming and has had quite the impact on me. Not a story for me to tell anyone openly so it'll remain with me, myself and I and my counselor of course.  

Last night was a first not to have one of those nightmares where my life had ended, but not by my own hand, but execution style. The meds have got me back on track. A bullet to the head to make it plain and simply put is was what the night terror I had endured was. Yeah see, my meds were finished and I thought I had time before seeing my Doc. I thought wrong. I became a hazard to myself and to those around me. I completely lost my cool. :sighs: Had it not been for my sis and a few friends…

I want to talk about my sister though. I have one sis. No brothers. She's exactly 1yr and 10months younger than me. One inch taller. I like to think we always got along and we were always tight, but me being the older sibling of course you have that sense of needing to protect what is the most close to you in your life and that would have been her. Hell every time I turned around her mouth was getting her arse in a sling and some chick was beating up on her and of course who came to the rescue? Yours truly.

Unlike l’il sister, I was always a shy kid, kept to myself and had few if any friends. I was your typical loner and kinda preferred it that way. I was the kid that in class sat at the furthest back corner of the classroom and by the window where I could stare out and make myself invisible if at all possible from the world, but I can say I never got picked on. I'll take that as a Blessing.

My sis was the first person I came out too. I was nervous and a pack of bottled up shakes. She didn’t judge me and was cool with it as my ‘rents were much later on when I busted into the kitchen and the closet door I hid behind remained forever open.  

See, back in our day we didn't discuss being 'gay' or at least I didn't even know what it was all about till I turned 21. Was I naive? I wouldn't say so. I just was slow to the world and wasn't exposed to the alternate lifestyle life city folk knew more of. How so? I was raised where no matter where you turned and looked around you, you saw farms and nothing but potato fields. Your closest neighbor was a distance of 2 blocks away from you, all roads were nothing but gravel and your source of entertainment was the nearest baseball park where you watched the local league play ball or the tiny hall where sometimes dances were organized. That's where I met my first love. I'll share that story another time. :winks:

I'm sidetracking and I'm sorry, but I tend to do that a lot. I can be very random as my friends know me and that's just one of my many traits. May it be bad or may it be good? Who the hell knows! Who the hell even cares. You take me for the freak I am or you bugger off. :shrugs:

Whether the lack of meds, or a series of occurring events, who knows, triggered one massive attack that I barely could pick up a phone, I made the call and sis was at my side within 5mins. Helps that she lives almost around the bend. If I could tell you what went on in my head? I would, but it’s still a blank void to me. Last night I chose to be alone, stay away from the internet, no phone and just crawl into bed and sleep. I’ve only been getting on average 4hrs and only eating to live not live to eat. Even my furball cat chows down more than I do, but my sis wasn’t having any of it. She dragged my carcass out to have dinner with her. Can I say she’s a Mother Hen? Hell yeah. She’s even a full inch taller than me.

I thought I’d amuse you with what us both sitting down together to have supp is like.

I’m sitting there at the table, 'little' sis :laughing: sitting across from me and she’s watching me carefully like she’s dissecting me with her eyes, but I’m no fool and avoid looking up, but take little glances through my long bangs.

Sis: What are you doing?

Me: :shrugs: Just checking email.

Sis: Put the phone down and eat.

Me: Yeah. Ok.

Sis: Put away the phone and eat.

Me: (I'm trying to focus on an email reply: I will. 

Sis: Put the phone away. 

Me: Yeha

Sis: (she sighs audibly) You’re not eating enough. How much do you weigh anyhow?

Me: :mumbling: Dunno. I lost 10lbs according to my Doc. He thinks I'm looking great.

Sis: Bullshit. Start eating.

Me: I will.

So I ate a few bites and my stomach has shrunk so there’s no way I’d be able to finish the whole damn plate. Yeah get me here?

Sis: Eat!

Me: I will!

Sis: Put the phone down!

Me: In a sec! This seriously can’t wait!

Sis: What’s so important that you can't stop what you’re doing to eat?

Me: (typing away on the puny keyboard) Err just aaah replying to Nat and yammering with Miles. Some. I’ve told you about them. My new blogger buddies and all that jazz.

Sis: Did you take your pill yet? I got a drink so you can take it since you came straight from the Doctor’s office.

Me: Yeah mother I took it.

Sis: :laughing: Little bitch. Put the phone down. They can wait. Now eat.  

Me: Them fighting words, and I prefer Freak these days, but you still lurve me (batting my lashes at her and I do that a lot with her cause it’s annoying, but she’ll laugh at it.) ‘Sides I’m full already.

Sis: Stop calling yourself that. You are who you are. You hardly ate any of that food. You should have gotten it in a container to go. Take it home to eat it later.

Note: (Was she aiming to make me bawl like a baby in public) But, BLAH. BLAH. BLAH. She didn’t stop.

Sis: You’re not listening to me. You’ve zoned out. You do that a lot when people talk to you. Did you know that?

Me: So they say (I shrug) But I block them out and wroooong. This freak is in the zone, sista. :snickering: My own zone and I heard every word you said. (back to replying to emails. Tap, tap, tap) You said... (stopping mid reply of an email I repeat her words, all smug like, cause I’m not that clueless and my hearing is selected and also add) I’m not taking it home cause I won’t eat it anyhow.

Sis: Fine. Since you’re done lets get coffee and you’re buying. 

Me: Drugstore first. I'm thinking of going red on top and the black hair underneath. Oh and I need reading glasses. Did I tell you about the time I crazy glued my fingers together trying to fix the frames... 

:laughing: Nice couple hours huh? Mind you, I don’t do this often, but the change of pace was great from the norm. Spending time with her during her own busy life of two kids and being married to a traffic cop, I have no regrets. We banter, call each other names, but it’s always in good fun and to me she's irreplaceable.

Did I sound too mellowed out... Yeah I guess I do, but I'm in the zone I’m at and rather be right now and the best buzz I needed without the overkill. Anything is better than freaking the fawk out. Thanks for reading and I found getting this down really helped. 

Having friends who stuck by me and give a shit also helped just as much even if I come across as a complete whack-job with my fits, my bullshit and mood swings that put someone PMS'g to bloody shame.  

A tune to express how I was feeling since I can not put it into words. 

Laterz folks! :saluting:


  1. Sid, you are not a freak..You are a very private person. But I agree with your sis..YOU ARE NOT A FREAK...If anything you are a friend to many of us. We all love you and we respect you and we all need you in our lives. *hugs and smoochies*

  2. Thanks C, but its going to take a great deal of time not to feel like a freak or a reject. It's the one thing I battle on a daily basis.

  3. OMG you and Rat with the FREAK thing... *shaking my head and laughing just a little as I know it means many things at various times, still slapping ur chest lightly* As I was very much apart of the "Put the phone down" litany, I can't complain too much. I enjoyed trading back and forth then and always. *giving a kiss to your cheek* A tutte le cose c'è l'amore, ma a pochi prezioso amore viene restituito.

    (To all things there is love, but a few precious love is returned.) - Just to save you the look up. *winks*

  4. Uuurrmm I think beside the height, Rat and I have a lot in common. Good thing you translated that cause I would'a spent days trying to figure it out and oh :batting lashes: what sweet words they are. So precious. Thank you!

  5. Welcome, and I am thinking that you do. Ah, Italian, one of my favorite languages. So expressive and rich, just like French, Portuguese, and a few others. Beautiful.

  6. Hey! Do I need to remind you why I'm stalking you? Because you a gem!
    And listen to your sis'. You may be older but she seems to know better:p
    Luv U

  7. Ask Nat :feeling proud: I speak fluent French. N'est pas Nat? Psssh ecouter mas soeur? Je pense pas :snickering:

    But Miles you can keep speaking Italiano to me. Even if I don't understand I love hearing and listening to it.

  8. Oh oui, tu peux être fier de toi:)
    And I agree with you all about Italian: so sexy grrrrrrr

  9. Yes it is, nice to meet you Nat. Il est tout à fait un plaisir de rencontrer celui qui signifie beaucoup pour un être cher.

    Don't worry, you shall hear much more Italian to come. *winks* It is one of my favorites.

  10. :blushing crimson: Aaw bleeding hell!

  11. What, what? :bending over holding my ribcage laughing: It's waaaay past your bedtime. Close your eyes like a good little monkey.

  12. *bats with the pillow* I am so trying, but my mind is enjoying the conversation. *grinning*

  13. :dodging the pillow: What convoy would that be? The little pillow talk we're having? :winks: I might just stay for awhile to repay that boon.

  14. You do say such sweet things.. *a teasing grin to my lips as I stretch out* Panpan Petit.

  15. Yo dude! Was that a short person nickname. No more boon or whatever for you, cockot.

  16. LMAO, Is not! Its an endearment, plenty boons for me of the long lash and mischievous nature!

  17. From who? :scowling: Not I, says the all claiming short one here. Panpan petit, me arse! I'll have you know that Panpan here will make you pay for calling me such blasphemous words.

  18. *laughing hard and rich, holding my belly as I do* Oh boy, does Panpan petit have revenge on his devious mind? *sparkle in my brown eyes*

  19. Keep it up :growling: I might just do something to you while you're sleeping and it's waaay past your bedtime, Mister Bitch :snickering:

  20. *giving in* It is, entirely... 1.31am to be precise... but it has been wonderfully good, and entirely healing. *hugs deeply* I am closing my eyes now... I promise.

  21. Nice to meet you too, Bitch Monkey:)