Monday, May 14, 2012

C'est La Vie!

Souls of Fallen Angels
You're probably wondering about this picture I placed into this blog post above and I'll get to that in a moment.

My last post I wrote? It was noted that I had written something quite lengthy and I went back and deleted it, leaving just the picture in its wake. I apologize, but after I posted that blog I thought to myself: Who really cares? Who gives a shit whether I'm having a good day or a bad one. Who gives a shit what's going on with me and mine in my personal life. 

After group which I attend every Monday night where I've connected with other people I had a revelation in thinking why did I delete what I'd written. We create a blog in order to express ourselves and people can chose to read or not to read it and getting shite of your chest by putting it into words is supposed to be therapeutic. 

I'm going to take my own advise and makeup for what I'd written and took down and just talk. Put my words into and out my fingers. 

It's been 8 months and I've had no urge to want cut, damage myself and the suicidal tendencies which had plagued me are no longer. Sure I still think on it and I have to ask myself: What the fawk was I thinking? Everybody kept telling me about how much I had to love for, but I wasn't coherent enough at the time to listen and everything was my way or no way. 

These last few weeks have been the ultimate trial in my emotions and thought patterns. They're all over the chart and I want to yell out to anyone who will listen: Can you give me a dayum map, show me where I am and get me onto the road that'll lead me in the right direction. Is it at all possible? What's got me in an emotional state of confusion you might ask. When I finally got my appointment in with the nephrologist and sat in the office while he reviewed my files and latest test results I was stunned to being mute when he came out and told me my kidneys were functioning at only 55% capacity. I could hear my own voice screaming inside my head in at first with anger that my family Doc lied when he told me they're functioning at 70%. Asking myself WHY would he do that? That scream settled to a groan and how bad this was turning out and then to a whimper that this isn't fawking good. Not at all. Having my sis with me, sitting next to me in the office saved me from telling ONE family member, but I still had my 'rents to contend with. 

Now the series of tests start. I've had all the blood and urine work done. Same day I had seen the Nephrologist cause he wanted to get that going. Last week I had the ultrasound done and lastly after my trip to Denver in June I'm booked into this hospital to have scans and a MRI done. When ALL is said and done it'll be back to the specialist for the results and take it from there.

I will NOT let this get to me cause thinking about these things can make you bat shit crazy at the best of times so just imagine the worst of times. I think that if you had to deal with constant burning in your chest because your kidneys are releasing toxins into your body which cause this, all your joints hurt to the point that touching your skin hurts, feels bruised under the pores, swollen ankles and feet caused by high blood pressure that's being dealt with, with a high dose of high BP meds and feeling ashamed because you need a walking cane get to get around and are three shades of red embarrassed by it... the rest is a walk in the park. I think.  I've even taken to having naps during the day on weekends. The energy level is massively low. Thinking and writing this is already taxing. It'll be awhile before I post again.

I don't believe there are any words of advice that can be given to make me 'feel' better. Nothing can be said to lessen the anxiety that courses through me with all this bullshit deck of cards that's been dealt to me. Such is life right? Que sera sera, whatever will be will be. 

I can confirm that my lifelong battle with my blood disorder and high blood pressure are the cause of my kidney disease, but the extent of the damage remains unknown. For now. 

Did I tell you how you think there's no one who gives a shit till something like this strikes. My sis let the cat out of the bag while speaking to relatives. Next thing I know all these relatives are coming out of the woodwork to say they'll test to see if they're compatible should I need a kidney. :snorts: I ask if it's cause they really care or if they're trying to perform some heroic feat to say: You will live because of my kidney. Whatever.

I'll end this post with thanking Raiden for posting. It was quite the post :whistling low: Angel, for posting as well and a few words to my angel girl: I'm looking forward to when you bring your little one into this world. What's the chance of he or she named after me? Yeah know, Demon has a nice ring to it :snickering:

Almost forgot! The picture above? Represents our struggle between good and evil, the dark and the light. Life or death. I'm in between. Where are you?

Have a good night and take care.

Over and out.

1 comment:

  1. Thank u for the dope words and feel of my posts, and in case u have missed the fat memo usually stapled to ur demented forehead dark and beautiful one, there are many here who do give a fawk. *grins a steal of ur pillow for my own aching over rung head*

    I more than get the feeling of laying in a deep cavernous well hearing ur own voice echoing unendingly back at u with hardcore bad juju. warping ur already fragile mind into believing many things that, though u do truly believe them and they are deep down hurt and pain, you would normally never let see the light of day in ur mind.

    WE ARE LISTENING..... even if we are not always able to shout about it.

    I am SO proud of u and happy for u on ur trip, u need it and so does Poppa E. Good juju for u both.

    Im due for serious beat down testing this wk over head and eeg's like first of next mo. haven't been on due to more attacks and more life situation freak outs.

    love the pic and the reasoning behind it.