Saturday, March 17, 2012

What was I thinking?

First I have to start this off by telling my Angel girl that I'm not blushing and you are welcome for thanking me, your demon. I liked giving encouragement and positive words and feedback. I just wish sometimes I would take my own advice and I'll tell you why.

I feel a little more confident tonight in sharing with this all of you who take the time to read our posts, because if I go back 2 weeks ago it wasn't happening and I kept this in the dark. I kept me in the dark. That is until... I opened up to my counselor. The lady is my rock and I couldn't begin to tell you what I'd do without her. I can't even imagine it. I could be having the utmost shittiest of days and when we meet, when she walks towards me, life just gets brighter. She's like this bundle of sunshine that shines through the darkened clouds of despair and depression. 

Here's what happened and the reason for this blog tonight. 2 weeks ago. Friday night to be exact. My work was having this huge company event. Erm 200 people give or take a few if I had to guess on how many. Company employees from different branches all over Canada attended. The really cool thing was we even got paid hotel rooms for the night. It's a 'have fun, don't drink and drive' event. Safety first. Yeha right! They didn't know about me on the 'safety'.

What I'm about to tell you will make it known to everyone the sit. with me. I've been diagnosed and confirmed to having Acute kidney disease also known as Acute renal failure. I'm scheduled to see a Nephrologist in April and we'll see from there. 

Back to what I was saying. So I'm sitting back, enjoying myself. I did not take any of my meds that day so I can indulge in a glass of wine. Or two. That lasted a whole :thinking: 30 minutes at most. 

See, word got out, still don't know who the source is, about my kidney disease. Holy bullocks and Christ's crotch! Next thing I know is people are coming up to me with pity and it sounds like they're giving me their fawking condolences. What. The. Fawk! Give me your support, your shoulder if I need it to lean on or just talk, give me encouragement but DON'T give me pity! ANYTHING but that. So the glasses or wine went from 2 to 3 and so on till I just said fawk it all and started drinking from the bottle. Two hours into the night and man oh man was I wasted. It was MINT! I can tell you I was feeling no pain, but just wait... it's coming. Cause this builds up and bites me in more than just the arse. 

So afterwards a stack of us head down to the hotel's bar. Free drinks just kept on coming and blimey didn't not the pity keep pouring right on it to go with it. Ok NOW I want the pain to go away. Just fawk right off. I downed the last of my drink and called it a night. Hauled arse up to my room, sat in the middle of the damn floor and lost all cool right there and then. But yeah know what? all the tears you cry just doesn't erase the pain and it wasn't doing it for me. Someone or something must've been watching over. I looked, searched and ransacked that room for something sharp. Anything. My mind was one clusterfawk of people with all their pity bullshit on their faces and I couldn't erase it from my mind. It swirled around my already demented brain till it became this black inky pool. I wanted it all to END. I needed it to end and if I could just find what I was seeking I would have made it all FINAL that night. That's right, I was on a suicidal mission proving to be impossible. :sighs: All I found though in my desperation to find some relief was the metal buckle on the belt for me pants. Wasn't fatal but grinding it into my forearm was heaven beyond words and I felt... FREE. 

As you can see, I'm still here so my plot of Life end didn't fall through and after speaking to my counselor I'm banned from all alcohol permanently. At least till I get my shit together. 

Will I have these thoughts again to find that little piece of solace? I can't answer that, but I won't say no either. 

On a better note... I always told myself which is what it boils down to: If I had one last trip to go somewhere that I'll ever be able to take before I can't ever travel again, where would I go. That was easy. It's Denver, Colorado. Guess what? I'm set on booking that flight for June 15th to experience Denver Pride and to visit a very good friend and the main reason I've chosen to be there. I might miss Pride if the date needs to change after seeing the specialist, but that doesn't matter not one iota. It's seeing that one true friend that counts the most. 

I'm pretty damn tired now and hitting the sack to crash. Not been sleeping well and time to call it a night. I'll end this with wishing y'all a great weekend and thanks for following and reading the posts. Comments are not necessary so don't feel obligated. Just... THANKS!


  1. {hugs} from me too

  2. Just want to send my love and hugs. I don't comment regularly, but do follow your posts and am always thinking of you. I'm glad you're going to Denver. Seeing new places and good friends can do wonders for the spirit.

  3. Some don't realize that just a few words make a whole world of difference. But I do and I'm grateful for having friends like you Eddy, T my Sunshine and Nancy of course to make the effort and pull me up from my down low with even just a hug. Lurve y'all!

  4. ~Hugs~ Love you sorry I haven't been around.