Friday, July 29, 2011

July 2011

     Hey everyone,

     Yeah I know...I know..But everything comes in time. And well I do have some good news and that is I finally am able to see and talk with my children again. Somethings have happened over the last year and half for me. But mostly over the past month. I have endured more hell than what anyone should no matter how RL gets. My lifemate came to me and has been at my side ever since. Together we have endured my ex-roommate's bs and his ex-gf's bs. But I was called something that I never thought I would ever hear. I know our military boys and girls get called this and it is one of the most horrific names to call a person no matter what the circumstances are. I had some stupid bitch call me this not once, not twice, but 3x. I was called a 'baby killer' all because my lifemate's psychotic ex-gf was 'supposedly to be preg' and she isn't preg in the least. But it makes me wonder just how people truly act and how they behave to another person's face with the lying and everything.

Thursday, July 28, 2011

Here I AM!!!!!

All Hail the Princess is Here! That would mean me! I’ve been the beloved brat in this crew for many a year. I’m boisterous, utterly adorable, optimistic and full of love for my peeps. We’ve been down a long… very….long road through the years. I am full of sass and spunk!

I enjoy romantic encounters of the male to female variety. Sorry so not like the fam. Although I’ve asked them all if I can do a Sin on them and pop into a body to feel what it feels like to be a man during sex. Call it Freud’s Penis Envy if you must. Curiosity killed the cat…but in reality it just made me want to write. 

I love chocolate although It’s on the no no list for me. I love big rough men. Shifters, vampires, military men. Give me one in uniform and I’ll a  I tend toJpuddle of want. I’m fairly easy to get along with….Fairly  keep the snark out. I’d rather kill with kindness. I’m super smart and I love everything about life.

Some say a smile from me is like a fresh ray of sunshine. *Slaps the males*

Really people do say that…not kidding. 

I am really humble and modest about my work and my talent. I’m loving that it’s grown in such a short span of time.

I am multipublished. That means in two years I’ve amassed six publishers.

I have an agent in mind but I have to finish the damn story to submit write Contemporary Romance, Paranormal Demons, Shapeshifters, BDSM, InterRacial and Multicultural and I did do a f/f story still waiting on news. 
I am part of IRMC Books at

My links are:

Facebook me at Mahalia Levey

Just Like You!



Tuesday, July 26, 2011

Mental Healing

I’ll start out by saying that in comparison to the last couple months this is one of the best? No better days I’ve had during that time. I won’t deny how rough it’s been for me both mentally and physically exhausting. I’ve endured heartbreak at losing trusted friends, but I’ve also gained some in exchange. I’ve loved deep and lost deeper and it broke me. It’s been overwhelming and has had quite the impact on me. Not a story for me to tell anyone openly so it'll remain with me, myself and I and my counselor of course.  

Last night was a first not to have one of those nightmares where my life had ended, but not by my own hand, but execution style. The meds have got me back on track. A bullet to the head to make it plain and simply put is was what the night terror I had endured was. Yeah see, my meds were finished and I thought I had time before seeing my Doc. I thought wrong. I became a hazard to myself and to those around me. I completely lost my cool. :sighs: Had it not been for my sis and a few friends…

I want to talk about my sister though. I have one sis. No brothers. She's exactly 1yr and 10months younger than me. One inch taller. I like to think we always got along and we were always tight, but me being the older sibling of course you have that sense of needing to protect what is the most close to you in your life and that would have been her. Hell every time I turned around her mouth was getting her arse in a sling and some chick was beating up on her and of course who came to the rescue? Yours truly.

Unlike l’il sister, I was always a shy kid, kept to myself and had few if any friends. I was your typical loner and kinda preferred it that way. I was the kid that in class sat at the furthest back corner of the classroom and by the window where I could stare out and make myself invisible if at all possible from the world, but I can say I never got picked on. I'll take that as a Blessing.

My sis was the first person I came out too. I was nervous and a pack of bottled up shakes. She didn’t judge me and was cool with it as my ‘rents were much later on when I busted into the kitchen and the closet door I hid behind remained forever open.  

See, back in our day we didn't discuss being 'gay' or at least I didn't even know what it was all about till I turned 21. Was I naive? I wouldn't say so. I just was slow to the world and wasn't exposed to the alternate lifestyle life city folk knew more of. How so? I was raised where no matter where you turned and looked around you, you saw farms and nothing but potato fields. Your closest neighbor was a distance of 2 blocks away from you, all roads were nothing but gravel and your source of entertainment was the nearest baseball park where you watched the local league play ball or the tiny hall where sometimes dances were organized. That's where I met my first love. I'll share that story another time. :winks:

I'm sidetracking and I'm sorry, but I tend to do that a lot. I can be very random as my friends know me and that's just one of my many traits. May it be bad or may it be good? Who the hell knows! Who the hell even cares. You take me for the freak I am or you bugger off. :shrugs:

Whether the lack of meds, or a series of occurring events, who knows, triggered one massive attack that I barely could pick up a phone, I made the call and sis was at my side within 5mins. Helps that she lives almost around the bend. If I could tell you what went on in my head? I would, but it’s still a blank void to me. Last night I chose to be alone, stay away from the internet, no phone and just crawl into bed and sleep. I’ve only been getting on average 4hrs and only eating to live not live to eat. Even my furball cat chows down more than I do, but my sis wasn’t having any of it. She dragged my carcass out to have dinner with her. Can I say she’s a Mother Hen? Hell yeah. She’s even a full inch taller than me.

I thought I’d amuse you with what us both sitting down together to have supp is like.

I’m sitting there at the table, 'little' sis :laughing: sitting across from me and she’s watching me carefully like she’s dissecting me with her eyes, but I’m no fool and avoid looking up, but take little glances through my long bangs.

Sis: What are you doing?

Me: :shrugs: Just checking email.

Sis: Put the phone down and eat.

Me: Yeah. Ok.

Sis: Put away the phone and eat.

Me: (I'm trying to focus on an email reply: I will. 

Sis: Put the phone away. 

Me: Yeha

Sis: (she sighs audibly) You’re not eating enough. How much do you weigh anyhow?

Me: :mumbling: Dunno. I lost 10lbs according to my Doc. He thinks I'm looking great.

Sis: Bullshit. Start eating.

Me: I will.

So I ate a few bites and my stomach has shrunk so there’s no way I’d be able to finish the whole damn plate. Yeah get me here?

Sis: Eat!

Me: I will!

Sis: Put the phone down!

Me: In a sec! This seriously can’t wait!

Sis: What’s so important that you can't stop what you’re doing to eat?

Me: (typing away on the puny keyboard) Err just aaah replying to Nat and yammering with Miles. Some. I’ve told you about them. My new blogger buddies and all that jazz.

Sis: Did you take your pill yet? I got a drink so you can take it since you came straight from the Doctor’s office.

Me: Yeah mother I took it.

Sis: :laughing: Little bitch. Put the phone down. They can wait. Now eat.  

Me: Them fighting words, and I prefer Freak these days, but you still lurve me (batting my lashes at her and I do that a lot with her cause it’s annoying, but she’ll laugh at it.) ‘Sides I’m full already.

Sis: Stop calling yourself that. You are who you are. You hardly ate any of that food. You should have gotten it in a container to go. Take it home to eat it later.

Note: (Was she aiming to make me bawl like a baby in public) But, BLAH. BLAH. BLAH. She didn’t stop.

Sis: You’re not listening to me. You’ve zoned out. You do that a lot when people talk to you. Did you know that?

Me: So they say (I shrug) But I block them out and wroooong. This freak is in the zone, sista. :snickering: My own zone and I heard every word you said. (back to replying to emails. Tap, tap, tap) You said... (stopping mid reply of an email I repeat her words, all smug like, cause I’m not that clueless and my hearing is selected and also add) I’m not taking it home cause I won’t eat it anyhow.

Sis: Fine. Since you’re done lets get coffee and you’re buying. 

Me: Drugstore first. I'm thinking of going red on top and the black hair underneath. Oh and I need reading glasses. Did I tell you about the time I crazy glued my fingers together trying to fix the frames... 

:laughing: Nice couple hours huh? Mind you, I don’t do this often, but the change of pace was great from the norm. Spending time with her during her own busy life of two kids and being married to a traffic cop, I have no regrets. We banter, call each other names, but it’s always in good fun and to me she's irreplaceable.

Did I sound too mellowed out... Yeah I guess I do, but I'm in the zone I’m at and rather be right now and the best buzz I needed without the overkill. Anything is better than freaking the fawk out. Thanks for reading and I found getting this down really helped. 

Having friends who stuck by me and give a shit also helped just as much even if I come across as a complete whack-job with my fits, my bullshit and mood swings that put someone PMS'g to bloody shame.  

A tune to express how I was feeling since I can not put it into words. 

Laterz folks! :saluting:

Monday, July 25, 2011

Things I will never understand about people.


 I have been dealing with several special people in my life over recent years who thanks to thoughtless self absorbed individuals have been hurt severely. Seems to me there is a rash flooding trend of these god awful, for lack of a better word, fucktards.  

Individuals, as I dare not even include these slimy yellow bellied scumbags in the human race as a whole for lack of wanting to lower the entire species, who obviously were not home trained properly in the correct way of treating fellow humans, or hell, creatures as a whole. Individuals who perhaps themselves were raised by wolves.... no, no I can't dare include that thought, since even the wondrous ever frustrating but very loving Rodent - yes I love you too nephew - was raised quite literally by wild dogs for a portion of his tramatic young life. Wolves and wild dogs do at least have a pack compassion for those they interact with and take in. These individuals were obviously not raised or corralled by such loving creatures as that.

*taps my chin in thought, Gerard Butler's lovely accent droning in the back ground. Lord be that man is hot.* Hm, in thought to that, most animals as a whole do not act or treat those of their kind in the particularly cruel and intentional way that these sub-species individuals do. Yes, they can be cruel and rather lethal in their way of carrying out behavior traits, but that is for survival and not based on emotions, plots, or devious schemes set for the sole purpose of hurting and damaging others. Of bettering their lot in life by crushing those around them. No, only these vile human appearing fucktards do that.

Conning pure souls who grow to love or look upon them as family or friend into believing they are loved and cared for, when in reality they are just another pawn, stepping stone, and or, punching bag laying in wait for the day and time these low-life scumbags decide to flip and ruin their lives and psyche. They do not care who they hurt or how, and they certainly do not give a leaping frog's ass what happens in the fallout other than to drink off the destruction like leeches, lurking scavengers living off the misery for days, months, or years after. Even vampires move on after they drain the poor unsuspecting bastard in their clutches. Again, fucktards, do not rank even come close to the lowest crap sucking dung beetle or flesh devouring maggot.

These... individuals, again that term so loose there is barely webbing to hold it onto the page, need to be trapped, caged, and beaten within an inch of their lives while being forced to relive the pain and hurt they've dished out for at least ten years. Maybe, doubtfully, but maybe then they might see the light of what they have done.

People are not stepping stones, pawns, or a means to an end.

Everyone deserves and should receive true unconditional love. Which means there is no buts to that statement. A person can not stop your love by acting a certain way or saying a certain thing. They can not erase your love by not doing what you want or say or by having an opinion. True love of a friend or family member, no matter if its blood or adopted, means there is nothing they can do short of killing you to stop that love.... unless like these sorry leeching scumbag individuals they use and abuse that trust, loyalty, and love as though you are trash. Burning at the stake comes to mind when I think of them, or worse. 

I am plum sick of that race, and though I am not normally a violent person, I vote we erase their useless sorry existence from the planet immediately.

And, just in case, I have not made it plain thus far, ye of the disgusting puss riddled sub-race... YOU ARE NOT WELCOME HERE, SO MOVE THE HELL ON AND SCREW UP YOUR OWN LIVES.

~ This is being posted mulitple sites to make the message clear! ~

Sunday, July 24, 2011

The newest member of this team

Hey everyone long time no see,
     Well here is a little something about me. I'm no worse for wear lol..But seriously, I am a full time online college student and I'm about to grad soon. Then I'm going to transfer to a college with the art history and archeology depart. I met my lifemate Dark Wolf online about a month ago. I have known him for about a couple of years now. He is remarkable and everything. He has a 4 year old son who reminds me of my nephews and I wouldn't trade my lifemate for anything in this life. I try to write for DP and all. I have written MidNight Angels Ravyn and Lucien. I do have another Angel to introduce to DP and a few other stories that I need to contribute but RL has been hellish for me recently :) But I am going to start to get back into the swing of things again :)

Intro to all the contributors of this blog:

I'm Bullet as those following would already know and have remained followers. Thanks for remaining with and reading my insanity. It's not over yet. I've revamped this blogger and added in some contributors; the reason for this post is to welcome them into the fold. 

I gotta thank them all for taking part in bringing their own stories, vids and whatever they want to amuse our followers to this blog site. I know I thank them from the bottom of my commode er heart and hyped to have them all here. I have my own choice words on each of them. We’re one hellova morbid mix, but in getting to know us through our posts you’ll see how much in common we all have. :snickering: Morbid, corrupted minds is putting it lightly, but in saying that we all have a bond together. We’re actually normal of a sordid group. You’ll see or rather read all bout it.  

Before you even dare to ask or think it…these are individuals with their own thoughts, their own minds, their own feelings and can speak for and express themselves, but I asked them to send me each their own intros so I can do it all in one lump sum and they agreed so you’ll read what they have to say to you themselves on who they are.

I’ll start with Kail, who also likes to be known as Rat or Rodent. He’s one demented dude, but aren’t we all in some way, shape or form? I’ve known this guy for some time. Shite, goes to way back in the day over or around 8 years? Time flies and we lost touch till recently. Till the last few weeks when he tracked my arse down via Eddy. To me he’s shark bait and I’ll let him share the reason why some day. Not my call to say. :snickering: Great to have you on board the S.S. Mino, Bro!

Here’s what bait er Kail has to say:

* fingering my ear, where there is perpetually a smoke tucked either half smoked or rolled and rocked to be smoked* 

Yo my name is Rodent I have a problem... I like to rip you apart and play in your gooey insides... make ash trays out of your skull after I fucked it a few times... hmm... want to play doctor on my table? Mommy Mommy! He wants to stick his thing in my eye, oh me oh frakin my! *smirking a hard completely deviant grin and near black eyes* One thing I am not is a peppy go lucky average joe. You can bet your best pair of $100 jeans or kicks my ass will most definitely make you think twice, three, no four times when you read my journals or stories or whatever I throw up. If you're looking of average or pep or the pretty boy roll your plain SOL fraker. *lighting up* 

I smoke, generously, and it’s usually pretty deep. I am insane that is the cold hard truth, but my insanity is infectious and soon I plan to take over the world. Normals grab your sunday through saturday drawers cuz your being eradicated one by one. That's my plan, it has a scheme and a track to fuck you over by. *hard grin* 

Now we have Nat. Got to know her via Goodreads and to this day there’s no regrets. She became a friend, hunted my arse down when I disappeared for emotional, mental and psych reasons. She’s become a rock and stuck by me while others have abandoned me, she stuck by. She has this damn uncanny sixth sense to email when she sense something ain’t right with me and she’s right on the dot. Nat, my stalker, you make another great addition to the team.

Here’s what Nat has to say:

My name is natsroshan, but you can call me Sidney’s self-appointed personal stalker. I am the ONE who has the privilege to bother and harass him. If it wasn’t for the 6000 km distance, I would kidnap and molest him too. No Sidney, no “Ewwwww” please.

Me? I’m a French mother of two living in Paris. At 35, people swear I look 25 but I still feel like 15. I love and hate my life at the same time: always looking for more, for something else. I love being surrounded by people but also enjoy being alone. One moment I can be expressive and active and the other very moody and cranky. Straightforward in my relationships… yes, I am. However do not disappoint me: I’m rancorous and proud of it.

I tend to be extremely rigid concerning my daily life but enjoy being unconventional. Some will say about me:

· Stubborn, rebellious, but it’s just me being self-willed
· Aloof, cold, but it’s just me ignoring you coz’ I don’t like to pretend
· Lacking of tact, but it’s just me being clumsy with words and emotionally oblivious

I like Japanese food, muscatel wines, cream puffs, cheese, Mika, Dancehall, Kat-tun, Bleach, “Boys Over Flowers” the Korean drama, “Antique Bakery” the Korean movie, English language…

I hate flowers, outdoors, sightseeing, pretending, narrow-minded and inflexible people, following conventions…

If you expect profound things from me, you’ll be disappointed. My mind is full of nothing and everything so will my posts: reviews, real life adventures, laughing at myself… and so on.

Hales I’ve known seems like forever. She’s my personal Sin, literally. :winks: We’ve been acquainted for a damn good 7 years or more. To say she knows the REAL me and the real deal and still accepts me for who and what I am has me completely humble. She’s a good friend and author. She’s be posting her own intro and the like, along with keeping us up to date on her pub’d novels and what’s yet to be out there so you can check it and her stories out. Welcome Sinsin!

Bitch Monkey (Miles)… saving the special one for last… when he heard about this blog he def wanted in. Not a guy you’d ever say no to and why the hell would I? He’s been busy up to his ying yang and I’ll admit we lost touch but through Kail he’s back in my life and I don’t plan on letting him go so easily. Years ago with his antics he helped me to laugh and keep my sanity in tact and I’m more than grateful to be speaking to this man again. When in doubt or need he’s got my back. Always had. I still think he’s a crazy bastard for ever having put up with me and my shit from back in the day when I was a growly fawk and still am, from day one, but he’d agree to disagree.

Here’s Miles, his intro:

<slipping in unnoticed and up to the addressing tall dark and scrumptious, sliding a playful finger and thumb along the fine bones of his ear.> Akhem, I do believe you are leaving out one rather peeved bitch monkey imp here. <giving it a pinch and whispering lick to said ear with just this side of a harsh monkey bite of the upper structure> Am I chop liver? Have to address my own bitch monkey self? Hmph, I see how it is. <pitched in a deep vibrating voice> I am your slave to bend to your beck and call. Lick your boots, shine your table, make fabulous coffee all day and night with the perfect amount of mocha caramel cream and biscuit.... <snorts disbelievingly in a snapping dust of my finger and thumb and half turn away, tamping my fine Italian boot.> Riiiight....

Hello all, don't mind the stuttering Fae god behind me, he is just rather tongue tied at the moment.... Hmm, tongue tied, hog tied, it is so hard to decide when presented with such fabo canvas and unlimited resources, is it not?.. Ah, well, soon midnight snack, soon.... As he is in a state of catatonia, I am Bitch Monkey Extraordinaire, <bows elegantly with one arm sweep> or just plain Miles will do. I am playful with much wicked titillating delights to offer. Though we've known each other for about two years or three... hmm, times does fly, Sid has always been one of my favorite humans.

Miles? :grinning critically with much sucked in patience: HELLO I was introducing you! In case you missed that little bit and you tell me I’m blind? :tapping my booted foot: 

Miles:  As a bat... yes you are. <grinning a jumping hug to Sid's back> You're forgiven... now where exactly is my mocha caramel latte with extra cream and extremely hard biscuit? <finely arched brow and completely devilish smile>

A true life story....

!! Fight !!

By chance, catching my reflection in the full length mirror of the new spot's bathroom, I freeze. Half in and half out of the glass shower I stare in mid swipe of the thick dark purple towel. Eyes glued not to the too lean muscle or gleaming golden skin that reflects the half chicano heritage. Or the thick black hand drawn tribal tats that decorate over half my shoulder blade and arm. No, what attracts my eyes to a mouth dry lock is the carved snake eating its tail tattoo that rides low on my hip and thigh. Just about my large palm's size done with precise cuts and burned hatching. 

Eternal rebirth, is the symbol. 

Still it is not the artful macabre design or the toker's weed leafed middle I draw in everyday with permanent marker and usually surrounding smoke that will eventually help cover. More its the never ending cycle of seeing the true reason it is there. Like a knife to the gut it rips me apart and stills my feet and dry's my mouth. Seeing not the now beautiful design done over measured and sneaked time against regulations and orders. Instead I see the brutally carved Malay script done with a field knife. Pretty fuck toy, whore boy.

The shakes and shivers run from my stiff neck to a curl in my toes that makes goose bumps pop and my head scream as mentally I relive the torture from a few years back. Bogusly jailed, stripped and taunted for intel a handful of us went through hell and back. Being the youngest and, as they stated, pretty boy my torture was the hardest and most sadistic. Carving me up for the population to read clearly if I made it to that point. Fighting kept my ass and mouth from being fucked, but it brought the carving and the beating that nearly killed my ass. 

Hands fisting in the towel as I stare in fixated looped horror I relive those days, then after as my rabbity ass contemplated completing my foiled attempts yrs previous to end the fucking nightmare that is my brain and soul... till, as I was watched tighter than a drum, I instead covered the lasting marks that refused to heal with the snake. Giving life to erasing at least one of the many well carved and ingrained scars that ride me every muthafucking day in a nightmare cycle. 

My first constructive step in rising from the ash of my hell and into the ring, where I fight and eradicate all the shattered and broken things within. It is a fight, and its on going... I erased the scars but that is just the outside. I still see them in my head... like this afternoon when I stepped from my shower. I still taste the blood and fucking cigarette smoke, smell the sweat from the heat on their skin, and hear my screams echoing stone walls... but really, that is just one among many seriously fucked up things rattling my brain pan. On many levels not the worst. 

There is always a worse, its around the fucking corner, what gives the diff is are you going to just lay there and fuck yourself off and give up or are you going to fight? For a long time I wanted to give the fuck up, why not? Everyone all through my life either tried to take me out or have me taken out and didn't give a fuck about me. Then I came across a few good people... and as I piece my Frankenstein ass back together I am starting to get what they see in me... even though I think half the time they are half baked or fucking got rose fucking glasses welded to their skulls. 

Point is, FIGHT. Few yrs and major fucking bullshit later I am damn fucking glad I'm around... even if my brain doesn't always agree or I go through days on end of rabbity fucking shit screaming off in my head. 


Maniac Desires.... gone sooooo wrong.

*rollin hard and thinking of the bitch tied up in my room* Hmmm, makes the brain itch don't it? *hard wicked laughter* Enjoy those of the demented persuasion. Frak kno's I am. *wags brows and getting my lazy ass up for real work even as I groan over the monkey suit* ... bro's are soooo gunna have to keep the knives outta my reach at this fraking deal. *muttering to myself as walk out*


Friday, July 22, 2011

Siddo to me is......

This was sent to me today by a friend (my new contributor to the blog) and it really cheered me up from the mood I was in which wasn't a promising one. I was re-evaluating life in general and she, the amazing lady that she is, came along and spoke to me in great depth and lifted my spirits up from my dark voided pit. I think she missed her calling in life of helping others. 

Love yeah, chick!

Siddo to me is......
Arbitrary, bull headed, caveman, caring,careful, dependable, delightful, diligent, easy going, efficient, eager, fierce, forgiving, fun-loving, fantastic, game, great, giving, gregarious, heartwarming, hard ass, happy, irritating, instigating, insightful, jammin, jubilant, kind, karmic, Loving, lunatic, mischievous, marvelous, naughty, nurturing, noble, obvious, omnipotent, pleasing, prude...not, providing, protective, questionable, quirky, real, relished, remembered, sexy, steadfast, stern, truthful, trustworthy, terrible, underestimated, vexing, vain, warring, wonderful, xhausting, yearnful, ying to your yang.

You're admiring, bossy, caring, dear, earnest, factual, generous, hilarious, infamous, jovial, candid, learned, manageable...I mean magnificent, noble, optimistic, pleasant, quirky, resourceful, studly, temperamental or truthful, Uranus no... unique, vibrant, willing, extraordinary, youthful *grins*,zealous...or zany.

She also made me aware of this quote:
"To the world you may just be one person but to one person you may be the world."
— Brandi Snyder 


The Facts on Depression

Everyone feels sad or down at times, especially after experiencing a disappointment such as not getting the job you interviewed for. However, these feelings of sadness are usually short-lived.
Depression, on the other hand, is a medical condition characterized by long-lasting feelings of intense sadness and hopelessness associated with additional mental and physical changes.

Depression can affect someone's personal, social, and professional life.
About 1 in 5 women and 1 in 10 men will suffer from depression at some point in life. Depression in children and adolescents occurs less commonly than in adults. Almost 1.5 million Canadians have serious depression at any given time, but less than one third of these people seek medical help.

Types of Depression

There are several different types of depression, and the diagnosis is mostly determined by the nature and intensity of the mental and physical symptoms, the duration of the symptoms, and the specific cause of the symptoms, if that is known.

Clinical depression (or major depressive disorder, MDD) is the most serious type of depression in terms of the number and severity of symptoms, but there are significant individual differences in the symptoms and severity. People affected with major depression may not have suicidal tendencies and may never have received medical treatment. The person's interest and pleasure in many activities, energy levels, and eating and sleeping patterns are usually altered.

Dysthymia refers to a low-to-moderate level of depression that persists for at least 2 years, and often longer. While the symptoms are not as severe as in major depression, dysthymia can still have a major impact on a person's quality of life. It is often not recognized that dysthymia is a medical condition that responds equally effectively to the same treatments as major depression. Some people with dysthymia develop major depression at some time during the course of their depression.

Bipolar disorder (or manic depression) includes both high and low mood swings and a variety of other significant symptoms not present in other types of depression.

Other types of depression include seasonal affective disorder (SAD), depression with psychosis, and postpartum depression.
  • SAD is a subtype of depression that regularly occurs at the same time of year (most often in the fall or winter months in North America).
  • Depression with psychosis occurs when depression is severe and is associated with hallucinations (hearing or seeing things that are not there) or delusions (thoughts that are not based in reality).
  • Postpartum depression often begins a few weeks after giving birth and is a subtype of depression. Postpartum depression is different from the temporary state known as the "baby blues" that often happens 24 to 72 hours after a woman gives birth. This temporary state is caused by the hormonal changes that occur during pregnancy and after giving birth and typically resolves in a week or so. Postpartum depression lasts longer than the "baby blues" and interferes with the woman's emotional and social functioning.
In some cases, depression is associated with other chronic medical conditions, which negatively impact the person's quality of life and well-being.

Causes of Depression

There is no single cause of depression. Rather, it usually results from a combination of factors such as an imbalance of brain chemicals, family history, thoughts or beliefs that increase the risk of depression, and traumatic or stressful life events.

One factor involved in depression is an imbalance of the chemicals that help send messages in the brain. These chemicals in our brain also help regulate our emotions, behaviour, and thinking. How we perceive the world and what happens to us can also contribute to depression.
Depression has a genetic component (i.e., family history). While the tendency to be depressed can be genetically inherited, the onset of depression can be provoked by many factors.

Triggers of depression include:
  • difficult or traumatic life changes (such as losing a loved one, ending a relationship, losing a job)
  • medical conditions such as Parkinson's disease, stroke, lupus, hypothyroidism, chronic pain, and some types of cancer
  • use of certain medications, including corticosteroids, anabolic steroids, narcotics, benzodiazepines, progesterone (found in some female hormonal pills), and street drugs such as amphetamines
  • progesterone (found in some female hormonal pills)
  • alcohol, which has short-term and possibly long-term depressive effects
It is important to recognize that depression is not something we can "get over" on our own, and it is not the result of personal weakness or an inability to cope.

Symptoms and Complications of Depression

Although we all feel sad sometimes, clinical (major) depression is diagnosed when a person experiences at least 5 of the symptoms below (one of which must be depressed mood or loss of interest or pleasure in daily activities), on most days for at least 2 weeks:
  • depressed mood (sadness)
  • loss of interest or pleasure in daily activities
  • changes in appetite or weight
  • slowed reactions
  • lack of motivation or energy
  • insomnia (trouble sleeping) or chronic oversleeping
  • noticeable changes in activity level (agitated or slowed down)
  • feelings of worthlessness or guilt
  • difficulty concentrating or making decisions
  • recurring thoughts of death or suicide
Other symptoms of depression may include:
  • loss of interest in work and other activities
  • avoiding family members and friends
  • irritability
  • crying easily
  • hallucinations (hearing or seeing things that aren't there)
  • delusions (having thoughts that are not based on reality)
Clinical depression may vary in its severity, and in its extreme forms (i.e., thoughts of suicide) can be life-threatening and require immediate medical attention.
Symptoms of other forms of depression, although generally milder, may still negatively affect a person's daily activities and quality of life.

Diagnosing Depression

To diagnose depression, your doctor will ask you questions about the symptoms you are experiencing and their severity. Your doctor may perform a physical exam and order blood tests to make sure there isn't an underlying medical cause for your symptoms.
Physicians are trained to help you, and to take depression and its treatment seriously. Together with your doctor, you can begin to identify and manage the nature of the problem, and then develop a treatment plan. This may include a referral to a psychiatrist or psychotherapist.

Treating and Preventing Depression

Most types of depression respond to antidepressant medications, psychotherapy, or a combination of both. Providing education about depression and its treatment to people with depression and to their family members may also be part of a treatment plan.

Medications: Sometimes people with depression are unaware that medications can help them, or they are at first hesitant to take antidepressant medications to manage their condition. However there are many different medications available today to help treat depression. You and your doctor can work together to decide what medication is best for you.

Some of the more commonly used medications for depression include SSRIs (selective serotonin reuptake inhibitors such as fluoxetine*, paroxetine, citalopram, escitalopram), SNRIs (serotonin-norepinephrine reuptake inhibitors such as duloxetine, venlafaxine, and desvenlafaxine), bupropion, trazodone, mirtazapine, MAOIs (monoamine oxidase inhibitors such as moclobemide and phenelzine), and tricyclic antidepressants (e.g., amitriptyline, doxepin, nortriptyline).

Medications used to treat depression begin to work after 2 to 4 weeks of treatment, although improvements in some symptoms may be seen within the first few weeks. In some situations, more than one medication will need to be tried until the most appropriate one is found for an individual. All medications, including antidepressants, can have side effects. Your doctor and pharmacist should explain common side effects to you and help you to manage them should they occur. Most antidepressants should be taken for at least one year after the first episode of depression and for at least 2 years after 2 or more episodes.

Herbals: Studies have shown that St. John's wort is not effective for people with clinical (major) depression. Although people with mild symptoms may receive some benefit from it, you should talk to your doctor and pharmacist before taking any herbals or over-the-counter medications. Keep in mind that some herbal medications may interact with prescription or over-the-counter medications.

Psychotherapy: Psychotherapy can be an important part of managing depression. Psychiatrists, psychologists, and some family doctors are trained to help people recognize and overcome the kind of thinking that causes depression. Support groups, friends, and family can also help.
Other treatments:
  • In more severe cases, electroconvulsive therapy (ECT) is used, but it is generally reserved for those who do not respond to medications.
  • Light therapy (or "phototherapy," which involves controlled exposure to artificial sunlight) can help some people overcome symptoms associated with seasonal affective disorder.
  • Physical activity and sports can improve depression by helping to relieve anxiety, increase appetite, aid sleep, and improve mood and self-esteem. Exercise also increases the body's production of endorphins, a natural mood-elevating hormone.
  • An active lifestyle, supportive family and friends, and a positive outlook can go a long way in coping with depression.

Monday, July 18, 2011


I'm posting this due to the recent loss of a friend. I know for a fact he's in a better place, but he'll be missed his friends and family. 

Here's facts and how to know the signs and what you can do about it:

On average, 3,500 Canadians take their own lives every year - this often exceeds the number of deaths caused by road accidents. Although more women attempt suicide, about four times as many men as women die from their suicide attempt. The reason for this is that men generally use more lethal means such as firearms, hanging, or asphyxiation (suffocation). Women often use drug overdoses or asphyxiation, or they cut themselves. Firearms are used in about 30% of all suicides. Of all deaths that involve firearms, more than half are estimated to be suicides.

Certain groups have disproportionately high suicide rates compared to the general population:
  • adolescents - in Canada, suicide accounts for 24% of all death among people who are 15 to 24 years of age
  • young men between the ages of 20 and 24
  • senior men over the age of 80
  • prison inmates, for whom suicide is the leading cause of death
  • people of First Nations and Inuit descent, who have suicide rates 3 to 6 times greater than the national average; this is even higher for adolescents 15 to 19 years old, with suicide occurring up to 8 times more frequently than for other Canadian youths
  • people with prior histories of attempted suicide
  • Causes of Suicide

    While the cause of suicide is unknown, some common risk factors include:
  • major psychiatric illness - in particular, mood disorders (e.g., depression, bipolar disorder, schizophrenia) and substance abuse (primarily alcohol abuse)
  • losing hope or the will to live
  • significant losses in a person's life, such as the death of a loved one, loss of an important relationship, loss of employment or self-esteem
  • unbearable emotional or physical pain

Warning signs and risk factors

A person who is at risk of committing suicide usually shows signs - whether consciously or unconsciously - that something is wrong. Keep an eye out for:
  • signs of clinical depression
  • withdrawal from friends and family
  • sadness and hopelessness
  • lack of interest in previous activities, or in what is going on around them
  • physical changes, such as lack of energy, different sleep patterns, change in weight or appetite
  • loss of self-esteem, negative comments about self-worth
  • bringing up death or suicide in discussions or in writing
  • previous suicide attempts
  • getting personal affairs in order, such as giving away possessions, or having a pressing interest in personal wills or life insurance
Though many people considering suicide seem sad, some mask their feelings with excessive energy. Agitation, hyperactivity, and restlessness may indicate an underlying depression that is being concealed.

Many people believe that even though a person might talk about suicide, they will not actually do it. In fact, talking about suicide is a warning sign that the person is at greater risk. If you become so overwhelmed by your problems that suicide is a consideration, you deserve to be taken seriously. Talking about suicide means that the potential exists to take your own life - even if you do not actually do it. Denial will not make the threat of suicide disappear and can only leave you feeling more alone and in anguish.

How to help

Do not hesitate to talk about suicide. If you think that someone you know is considering suicide, raise the subject. People are often relieved to talk to somebody about it. Recognizing their agony helps to ease the distress of carrying the burden of pain alone. It is important to listen to what somebody has to say without passing judgment on his or her feelings. Keep in mind that having no opportunity to talk about how badly he or she feels will only make a person feel more isolated.

You may sometimes worry that bringing up the subject of suicide will give ideas to an individual who is already depressed. On the contrary, showing your concern lets a person in distress know that somebody is listening to them. If that person really is considering taking his or her own life, talking provides an outlet for intense, often overwhelming feelings.

Ask direct questions - avoiding the topic may show that you do not take a person's threats seriously enough to inquire. Find out if suicide has been considered, and if they have thought out how and when they want to do it. The more details that have been worked out, the greater the danger that someone plans to commit suicide.

Suicide attempts are often a cry for help. While suicidal people are still alive, they may be holding out hope that they will find the means to cope with their emotions. Urge anybody who is considering suicide to get the counselling and medical or psychological support that they need as soon as possible.

Emergency assistance

Immediate assistance is available for people who are overwhelmed by pain and loneliness and need somebody to talk to. When a person is in distress, telephone counselling, crisis lines, and suicide hotlines offer a no-pressure context in which to talk to a caring and anonymous counsellor. Telephone hotlines are also useful if you are worried about a friend who is suicidal and want to know what you should do in a particular situation.

Local services are listed in city or regional phone books. You can also call directory assistance or 2-1-1 in some areas for community service agencies. If there is a problem getting through to the phone service, don't give up; either call again or phone a different service. Help is often very close at hand, and can give a suicidal person the extra time they need to reconsider their options and circumstances.

If you are urgently concerned that somebody is in a suicidal state, try to get them to the emergency ward of a hospital. Medical professionals can most effectively deal with suicidal tendencies and ensure that people gets the care required to stay alive.

Individuals who have hit an emotional rock bottom often cannot see how to pull themselves back up. Reaching out and finding support - either among friends and family, or in religious or social institutions - can provide people with some relief and new hope in their lives.

Getting treatment

When suicidal thoughts are brought on by an immediate interpersonal life event, then reliving this event or talking with a close friend or family member may resolve the crisis.

Next post: Depression...

"How can you know what pain is?”

“Maybe you’re right. I don’t know what pain is. I guess sitting by the phone for hours waiting for someone to call, but knowing they won’t isn’t pain. Crying myself to sleep every night isn’t pain, because every word They say cuts deeper than a knife cutting my flesh: I guess having my heart ripped out and thrown around every day by someone I love isn’t pain. Waking up every morning alone and succumbing to sleep every night alone isn’t pain. I guess being consumed by the anger and frustration I have festering in my heart isn’t pain. Not being able to look at my reflection in a mirror without turning away in disgust and dissatisfaction because I know I’m not happy, because I know my life is an intricate, deceptive stage cloaked with careful lies isn’t pain. I guess feeling indifferent to the wonders of life, to the spectacular vitality and invincibility so easily found in the new generation isn’t pain. Feeling numb and not disappointed anymore when, for the millionth time, I am rejected from society isn’t pain. I guess choosing to escape the real world around me through the fictitious but marvelous realm of literature—being forced to substitute selfish friends with that of book characters isn’t pain. I guess becoming a slave to my own morbid, purely hopeless thoughts, and becoming imprisoned in my own self-destructing Hell isn’t pain. Being aware of an invisible, decaying clock buried in my body, and acutely conscious of the absolute alienation I have been vacuumed perpetually into isn’t pain…I guess you are right."
— Amanda Rosso and Kayla Gough

Sunday, July 17, 2011

A Quote I can really relate to.

"I’m a modern man, a man for the millennium. Digital and smoke free. A diversified multi-cultural, post-modern deconstruction that is anatomically and ecologically incorrect. I’ve been up linked and downloaded, I’ve been inputted and outsourced, I know the upside of downsizing, I know the downside of upgrading. I’m a high-tech low-life. A cutting edge, state-of-the-art bi-coastal multi-tasker and I can give you a gigabyte in a nanosecond!

I’m new wave, but I’m old school and my inner child is outward bound. I’m a hot-wired, heat seeking, warm-hearted cool customer, voice activated and bio-degradable. I interface with my database, my database is in cyberspace, so I’m interactive, I’m hyperactive and from time to time I’m radioactive.

Behind the eight ball, ahead of the curve, ridin the wave, dodgin the bullet and pushin the envelope. I’m on-point, on-task, on-message and off drugs. I’ve got no need for coke and speed. I've got no urge to binge and purge. I’m in-the-moment, on-the-edge, over-the-top and under-the-radar. A high-concept, low-profile, medium-range ballistic missionary. A street-wise smart bomb. A top-gun bottom feeder. I wear power ties, I tell power lies, I take power naps and run victory laps. I’m a totally ongoing big-foot, slam-dunk, rainmaker with a pro-active outreach. A raging workaholic. A working rageaholic. Out of rehab and in denial!

I’ve got a personal trainer, a personal shopper, a personal assistant and a personal agenda. You can’t shut me up. You can’t dumb me down because I’m tireless and I’m wireless, I’m an alpha male on beta-blockers.

I’m a non-believer and an over-achiever, laid-back but fashion-forward. Up-front, down-home, low-rent, high-maintenance. Super-sized, long-lasting, high-definition, fast-acting, oven-ready and built-to-last! I’m a hands-on, foot-loose, knee-jerk head case pretty maturely post-traumatic and I’ve got a love-child that sends me hate mail.

But, I’m feeling, I’m caring, I’m healing, I’m sharing-- a supportive, bonding, nurturing primary care-giver. My output is down, but my income is up. I took a short position on the long bond and my revenue stream has its own cash-flow. I read junk mail, I eat junk food, I buy junk bonds and I watch trash sports! I’m gender specific, capital intensive, user-friendly and lactose intolerant.

I like rough sex. I like tough love. I use the “F” word in my emails and the software on my hard-drive is hardcore--no soft porn.

I bought a microwave at a mini-mall; I bought a mini-van at a mega-store. I eat fast-food in the slow lane. I’m toll-free, bite-sized, ready-to-wear and I come in all sizes. A fully-equipped, factory-authorized, hospital-tested, clinically-proven, scientifically- formulated medical miracle. I’ve been pre-wash, pre-cooked, pre-heated, pre-screened, pre-approved, pre-packaged, post-dated, freeze-dried, double-wrapped, vacuum-packed and, I have an unlimited broadband capacity.

I’m a rude dude, but I’m the real deal. Lean and mean! Cocked, locked and ready-to-rock. Rough, tough and hard to bluff. I take it slow, I go with the flow, I ride with the tide. I’ve got glide in my stride. Drivin and movin, sailin and spinin, jiving and groovin, wailin and winnin. I don’t snooze, so I don’t lose. I keep the pedal to the metal and the rubber on the road. I party hearty and lunch time is crunch time. I’m hangin in, there ain’t no doubt and I’m hangin tough, over and out!"

George Carlin

Kissed By God

Kissed By God Kissed By God by T.A. Chase

My rating: 5 of 5 stars

I usually avoid stories with this type of content and with good reason. I know first hand what it's like to be 'kisses by god'. I'm not proud of that but it's part of my past and in the past it will remain. But I took a chance and have no regrets. A pleasant read and worth it in my honest opinion. You'll be able to connect with the character which by the way it's written in first person and from his point of view.

I'd say if you're unsure, give it a go anyhow.

View all my reviews

Thursday, July 14, 2011


((This is not something I wrote, but it touched me deeply so I'm re-posting it))

I am the boy who never finished high school, because I got called a fag everyday

I am the girl kicked out of her home because I confided in my mother that I am a lesbian.

I am the prostitute working the streets because nobody will hire a transsexual woman.

I am the sister who holds her gay brother tight through the painful, tear-filled nights.

We are the parents who buried our daughter long before her time.

I am the man who died alone in the hospital because they would not let my partner of twenty-seven years into the room.

I am the foster child who wakes up with nightmares of being taken away from the two fathers who are the only loving family I have ever had. I wish they could adopt me.

I am not one of the lucky ones. I killed myself just weeks before graduating high school. It was simply too much to bear.

We are the couple who had the realtor hang up on us when she found out we wanted to rent a one-bedroom for two men.

I am the person who never knows which bathroom I should use if I want to avoid getting the management called on me.

I am the mother who is not allowed to even visit the children I bore, nursed, and raised. The court says I am an unfit mother because I now live with another woman.

I am the domestic-violence survivor who found the support system grow suddenly cold and distant when they found out my abusive partner is also a woman.

I am the domestic-violence survivor who has no support system to turn to because I am male.

I am the father who has never hugged his son because I grew up afraid to show affection to other men.

I am the home-economics teacher who always wanted to teach gym until someone told me that only lesbians do that.

I am the woman who died when the EMTs stopped treating me as soon as they realized I was transsexual.

I am the person who feels guilty because I think I could be a much better person if I didn't have to always deal with society hating me.

I am the man who stopped attending church, not because I don't believe, but because they closed their doors to my kind.

I am the person who has to hide what this world needs most, love.

I am the person ashamed to tell my own friends I'm a lesbian, because they constantly make fun of them.

I am the boy tied to a fence, beaten to a bloody pulp and left to die because two straight men wanted to "teach me a lesson"

I am girl who had to break up with my lover because my parents found out it was another girl.

Saturday, July 9, 2011

Part 2 of Toronto Pride 2011

Todd Long aka Lady X


Desperate Housequeen

A walk in the life of successful Dragstar, Lady X. She's the Queen in command at Pride Toronto and over the past year she's gone suburban! Now as a Desperate Housequeen...she stuggles between the stage and the stove!

About Me

I was born Todd Andrew Long on the 8th of March in 1979. As a young boy, I dreamn't of the stage and all the glamour associated with it. At 15 I began exploring my female side and randomly started to hit Toronto's queer community in Drag. 7 years later I found myself designing stage shows which I burst onto the scene with at the first ever Drag Idol! I had already been in a 2 year relationship and risked it all for the love of fame. I came in 2nd place at Drag Idol and the gigs started rolling in. I quickly became the Queen to talk about. Scandalous headlines started hitting the local ragmag's and my style was soon described as "cutting edge and underground." My boyfriend and I were labelled as the "perfect couple", during that time period. That is when my desperate living began! I was juggling being a local star and taking long walks along the beach...all without burning the muffins in the oven! Now 10 years after it all began, I am living on the North Toronto borderline with the same guy and I am in control of booking all the drag queens for Pride Toronto's street festival. Follow me as I take you on a journey to the dark side of drag and into my happy home. X

In The Beginning

Wednesday, December 8, 2010

       The year was 1985 and the show was Jem and the Holograms. I already had a huge love of music at the tender age of 6 years old. On that magical morning when Jem premiered, I was instantly fascinated with the cartoon songstress. I remember singing the song throughout my whole day at school..."Truly, Truly, Truly Outrageous!" This marked the beginning of lifetime glamorous endeavours for me. The cartoon was modeled after a line of Dolls, much like Barbie. The difference was that Jem and her friends came with cassette tapes of the songs played during the episodes. I longed for those dolls like a baby longs for milk from a mothers bosom. My parents thought that it would cause problems for me to play with girls dolls and denied my constant requests for them.

Later that year a problem occurred down below!!! I got some kind of infection under the foreskin of my member and was rushed into the operating room for an emergency circumcision. I was of course terrified that a piece of me would be taken away! My mother tried relentlessly to calm me down and nothing was working. Then she said, "If you are a strong boy and can be brave through this...we will get you the Jem doll!" The tears in my eyes dried in an instant and my smile beamed through the room like a ray of light. Minutes later, a gas mask was being placed over my mouth and I saw a bright light...then total darkness. When the light came back, I began to see the room I was in again and my mother and sister hovering over my hospital bed. My mother gave me some ice chips, as my sister whispered in my ear. "We've got a surprise for you!" Then in my sisters hands and in front of my half opened eyes, was Jem in all of her glamour, glitter and glory! I don't think I ever felt the physical pain of that operation because I had that doll. I did however, begin to think of other operations I could have to get the rest of her friends. One of the operations I thought of included removing more skin from my penis! My mother told me if they took any more I'd be a girl. That was an even more intriguing thought! Well that didn't happen, but my brothers girlfriends and other family friends began to help me collect the rest of the Jem doll franchise. I ended up with the car, the stage and the entire lot of dolls. I never went anywhere though without, Miss Jem herself!

Carrying that doll around with me was the cause of some major teasing and bullying. I didn't care if I was hurt, as long as I was still holding her when they were done. My second grade teacher saw the torment I was inflicted with and called my parents in for a meeting. The meeting resulted in me not being able to bring my dolly to school anymore. I think that's when then fire inside of me began to rage out of control and was visible in my eyes. I vowed to myself to get revenge on the entire world! Taking that doll from me was 10 times worse than taking my foreskin. All the girls I went to school with (who were the friends I was drawn to), got to bring their dolls to school. Mysteriously, their dolls began to disappear one by one. If I couldn't have them...NO
ONE COULD! I would take their dolls to my house, where in the basement I had cut a hole in the wall, that I would drop the dolls in. I pinned up a Jem poster over the hole and nobody ever found it! I did however get caught taking someone's doll and was questioned on the whereabouts of all the others. I said that was the first time and they called my mother to check the house for the rest. She told them I didn't have them of course and those dolls never saw the light of day again! My Jem doll was taken away from me as punishment. I was of course devastated! I think I even contemplated suicide?

The bullying saw no end, even after my doll was gone. That part..still didn't have an effect on me for some reason? Being bored without my doll, I started to venture into my mother and sister's closets and play with their clothes and shoes. Then with a towel on head and a toy microphone in my hand, I would start doing my own version of Jem's concerts in my basement while my family slept upstairs. Every time I performed, I felt more and more like a girl. This brought me to comfortable place where I could be myself. The summer came and I took my show on the road. Well more like around the block, lol! I would gather the local girls and put on shows for the neighbours with them. Because the shows were my idea...nobody else was permitted to be Jem! All the women and little girls loved it and the men and the boys laughed and dismissed it. By that time my future had been set in stone! I would one day take the real stage by storm and be able to show all my haters that I had really made it big. The boys wanted me to stop it all soo badly...but all they were doing was igniting my path to Fame! As I look back now, without those bullying boys, I wouldn't have had a reason to continue dancing and singing.

Halloween came along fast and a week before the big day, I was without a costume. While sitting at the table (ironically with my mother and sister again), I proclaimed that I wanted to be a bride for halloween. Within a blink of an eye my sister said, "Wait Here!" and ran upstairs to her room. She returned to the table with a huge white box and my mother screamed, "ABSOLUTELY NOT!" In the box folded with care, was my sisters first communion dress. My sister said, "Why not? It's halloween!" She convinced my mom to let her put it on me. I instantly lit up like the brightest star in the sky. My mother and sister blushed and awed over how cute I looked in it. Mother caved and a week later I was skipping to school in a mini wedding dress, white veil, red lipstick and rhinestone earrings. I was a 7 year old drag queen! By far.. I was the most talked about costume in school that year. The comments actually never stopped coming. I was in all my glory and again, unaffected by the heavy teasing and bullying.

The drag queen was born and not about to be killed off anytime soon!


-Check in for my next blog when I will take you into my teenage years when I have my first major breakdown and blame Jem for it all!

The POP Addiction

Thursday, December 16, 2010

   Real life singers started to replace the cartoon characters in my life, when I was just about 8 years old. 16 year old mall queen Tiffany of "I think we're alone now" fame, became my new idol. For the next 3 years I lived vicariously through this pop princess. The Jem posters we're covered over with Tiffany posters and the neighbourhood shows I put on with my back-up girls, were now set to her songs. My sister got me tickets to her concert at Canada's Wonderland. I had never been to a concert before and wasn't really sure what to expect. What I saw astounded me! Bright lights, costume changes, back-up dancers and the 'spotlight' following my idols every move. I was in the 7th row and cried a few times, realizing that Tiffany was so close to person! When the concert ended, my sister wanted to say hello to a friend of hers (later to become her husband) who was working security to the backstage access door. I took the opportunity to beg him to let me go back and see my idol. He figured there was no harm in letting and 8 year old back there, so he ushered my sister and I through the gate. While backstage, my sister noticed some of the opening band members tossing around a football. She said, "You should get there autographs...they will be something one day!" Since Tiffany was still in her dressing room, I went over to them and asked. Their names we're Jordan, Donnie and Joey, who were members of the then unknown... New Kids On The Block. A year later I was very happy I had listened to my sister that night, because NKOTB mania had hit the nation. When Tiffany did emerge from her dressing room, I ran at her and was stopped in my tracks by her security. This strange woman said to me, "You cannot run at her like that!" Tiffany pushed them aside and said it was fine. She asked me my name and signed a photo of herself and gave me a hug and a peck on the cheek. I was trembling and crying as I watched her board her tour bus and hit the road.

After that moment I was completely star struck and wanted to be a pop star more than ever before! I created my own cassette tapes and would pose in Tiffany like ways, wherever I'd go. It was a known fact to anyone who knew of me that I adored that girl inside out! The boys teased me for liking the girly type singers, just as hardcore as they did when I played with dolls. At around 11 years old I met a boy who wasn't like the bully types, I had now come to associate with all boys. He had a similar obsession with the female artist Taylor Dayne. He was like Jem's boyfriend
Rio to me and we quickly became an inseparable duo. Around this time girls became interesting, instead of gross. Most of the boys I knew had expressed interest or started " going out" with them. I saw this as my chance to fit in with the boys finally! The girls were all very attracted to me in a big way actually. I guess I fell into the whole popular boy mold. There were only a handful of these boys in my school and the girls started trading us like baseball cards. I became very sexually progressive, do to the erotic undertones of pop music. I would go to this one girl from school's house everyday after school and try a new sexual experiment with her. The only knowledge I had of sex came from popular culture. At the same time, I had started to go swimming at the YMCA with my pop diva buddy. After our swims we would take our showers in separate cubicles in the locker room. One day I jumped over into his shower stall to scare him...but also to secretly see him naked and be close to his naked body. To my surprise he was playing with himself! He stopped when I jumped in, but his hard on was throbbing in front of me. I blushed, giggled and then kissed him hard on the lips, like I usually did with the after school with that girl. He didn't try to stop me. In fact he kissed me back harder and started to play with my little guy! As soon as I got hard, he got on his knees and went to town. It was way better than any experience I had with the girl. The best part was that it had to be our little secret and we could do it again and again, as long as no one else ever found out.

Elementary school graduation came and went. My
Rio boy was still my main squeeze in my 'top secret,' other life. Like Jem, I now had two personas as well. I didn't realize how very deep I had hidden the gay me until half way through junior high school. That's when the boys who knew about my female tendencies, began to take it out on me physically! It wasn't until the first punch, that the bullying finally had taken it's toll. The principal at the school thought it would be best if I went home for lunch daily, to avoid such confrontations. At first I would take the opportunity to watch Jem (who was now on in re-runs at noon). But one tragic day as I walked through the baseball field to my house, I began to sob uncontrollably. My double life caught up with me and I could no longer hide what was inside me. Not wanting to tell my mother yet...I simply proclaimed to be fed up with all the teasing and wanted to die! Counselling began immediately and low and behold the councillor was a gay man! He began to open me up to the gay world that was out there for me to discover. During this time I still wanted to be considered popular and that meant continuing with dating girls. 90210 premiered and it was now the standard to live up to in my social circle (the plastics). All the couples in my school quickly became compared to the cast on that show. The fight to be Brenda and Dylan was on!

Still having all my dolls at that time, just wasn't meshing with my new 90210 lifestyle. I had a fit one day and grabbed a pair of scissors! I opened up my box of dolls and started cutting all their hair off. Then I got to the bottom of the box where my little friend Jem had now resided. I went completely ballistic and chopped her into pieces! I hid her remains in that hole in the wall, where I had buried all my girl classmates dolls from elementary school. I felt like a murderer, but it was a sign of the times and had to be done for my the sake of my sanity. It was all over I wouldn't let that doll be the cause of my social downfall. I got a girlfriend (who at the time was considered the craziest of the plastics) and the rest was history! The burning desire for other boys still raged inside of me, but my YMCA buddy had taken a backseat temporarily and the little girl that lived inside of me was banished from the light of day!

Next stop in my desperate living story...HIGH SCHOOL!


Note: Those were the only two posts Todd had written on Blogger and were his last.

The first time I met Todd Long as Lady X, was at my first Toronto Pride back in 2007. She laid down the law with an outdoor Beyoncé set that had to be seen to be believed.

Since I’d seen Lady X in 2007 Todd had been a performance programmer for Pride Toronto. He was bright, funny, positive and energetic, with a raucous laugh. Lady X had fans all over; dedicated and involved in his community, he was the kind of diva the audience loved.

What is particularly heartbreaking about Todd’s death is the loss to the community; it’s rare to find a performer as generous. Although All About Eve scenes are relatively rare, backstage can sometimes be a tense place... but not if Todd was there. He consistently supported other performers through word and deed.

In his job with Pride
Toronto, Long coordinated drag extravaganzas. Four years ago, he even directed a show from a wheelchair, with both legs in a cast, after sustaining an injury. At the risk of letting down the people he was working with, he replaced himself in his own numbers. Talk about commitment to craft and community!

Although his Jem & the Holograms Pride performance was a hit, it was the 2009 Lady X’s Circus that cemented Long’s reputation. It featured fire breathers, Michelle Pfeiffer–style whip tricks and costume changes, all with Lady X in the centre ring.

His death surprised some, but the initial shock has evolved into a stonewall of silence. His struggle with addiction was no secret, so the silence is shocking to me. This is not the first time in recent memory our community has lost a beloved member to the demons of substance abuse. How often does this need to happen before the issue is taken seriously?

The buzz online is, “Don’t talk about it, out of respect.”

This culture of silence can lead only to more needless losses. It is possible and appropriate to celebrate the good aspects of someone’s life while acknowledging the darker aspects.

In addiction and recovery circles, many say, “You can’t save them. They need to seek help on their own, realize the problem on their own, recover on their own.” This is a hard truth for many of us to face, but even so, I wonder if saying this absolves us of responsibility when we see a friend in trouble? How many of us reach out to those we know are struggling? How do we negotiate the space between recreation and addiction?

We can talk about how alcohol and drugs shape gay nightlife in this city and what that means, but in doing so we also need to refrain from judgment when it comes to individuals. Addiction is recognized as a chronic, treatable disease by the Canadian Medical Association, and going through it does not in any way imply weakness or a character flaw. If you need help, start at and know that you’re not alone, you have nothing to be ashamed of and help exists.

You can tell the measure of a person by the mark they leave behind. I choose to remember Todd for his performances: always on point with a story arc, tight choreography and seductive costumes. I choose to remember Todd as someone who would offer to perform at fundraisers without being asked and his bravery in going to places like
Scarborough to perform in drag when no one else would.

March 8, 1979 - February 9, 2011

Todd Andrew Long, aka Lady X, died suddenly on Tuesday Feb 8 at home. He was 31.

He was a lovely man, a great performer, and it was my pleasure to share any place or time with him. I choose to remember his love of music and dancing and laughter. I choose to remember Todd with some deliciously dishy not-fit-for-print stories, and I have a feeling I won’t be alone. People will be talking about Todd and Lady X for years. Both the man and the diva deserve nothing less.

He will be missed immeasurably by all who knew him including myself.


In Memory of:

Todd Andrew "Lady X" Long

Pride will not be the same without the presence of Todd aka Lady X.