Friday, August 17, 2012

Asta la vista bébé

I'm outta here for the weekend. Headed up North with the boys to visit my 'rents. I can honestly say I miss them. Huh! That coming from me who finds my pop royally gets on my last nerve with his forgetting everything from one minute to the next. The Doc says he's now a borderline diabetic, but what has that changed? Shit fawk all where he's concerned. He still consumes nightly the same quantity of booze and he has no intentions of changing. Oh but wait! I'm wrong. He went from adding Coke in his miss to replacing it with Coke Zero. :snorts: La Di Fawking Dah!!

I'm tired although this new life change in eating has made me feel better physically, but mentally I'm a fawking mess. I don't know whether I'm coming or going anymore and I'm at an impasse where I don't care and I really don't give a shit one way or the other. People(s) wherever, at work or what not keep asking me: How's you diet coming along? ..... Fawkwads it's NOT a diet IT'S a life altering change. Can they get that through their thick skulls for crying out loud!! I'm tired, wiped, you can tell by my rambling. Whatever!

This week has been a royal blast though dealing with our local wildlife. You heard right. It all starts Saturday while I'm sitting in my cozy living room and reading a book. I kept seeing this shadow out of the corner of my eye and the cat jumping up from beside me on the couch and trying to grab something. Lo and behold I look up and it's a BAT! You heard me a big, black, blood sucking bat. And not the 'turns into a gorgeous hunky vamp' kind either I didn't know till then how loud and high I could scream. A glass breaking, ear piercing, eardrum shattering scream. You can bet your toots that I was running light my arse was on fire, out of the room and right out the damn front door. My neighbor was outside and working on his car. Looked up at me baffled. I became this stuttering fool and told the guy: Well don't just stand there, man! There's a bat in MY living room. Please get the bastard OUT!  The sweet man that he is went inside and me following with a coat wrapped around my head like a turban followed him in and watched him work his magic and got the critter out. WHEW!

Two nights later on the Tuesday... This black Lil squirrel got it into his thick skull that he want in my house. Oh hell fawking no he wasn't :snapping fingers: When going after it with the fly swatter wouldn't work I threw pillows at it hitting the screen door. That did the trick let me tell yeah.

Next night, Wednesday... :sighs: My boy keeps telling me he's hearing growling coming from under the back deck. J.H. Christ. What now?!? He says he's gonna jump up and down on the back deck to scare it off. No matter how hard I tried to sway him not to and just close the glass door and stay inside. Hey, it could be a rabid something right? He's not deterred by this, goes out, jumps up and down like a fool and dashes back inside. He tells me: Nope it's still out there. :rubbing my face: So I go to the kitchen and get myself and drink then hear yelling going on. I run to see what the hell is up. 

He's out there with a fly swatter trying to hit something, then darts inside.

Me: What the living hell are you doing?
Kid: Oh my god! A raccoon came up the railing of our deck and was staring at me with these glowing eyes. Me laughing to kill myself: Ok so it's a possessed coon now?
Kid: I swear it came out of nowhere.
Me: And what did you hope to accomplish with a fly swatter?
Kid looks down at said swatter in his hand, back up at me then at it again: You can laugh all you want 'little person' but I did scare it off. 

So that's the highlight of the animal capers. Hope you enjoyed my very true story and I wish you all an awesome weekend!

Over and out! 

3 comments:

  1. Only you could have a demented zoo in your yard and house. I swear. LMFAO

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  2. LMFAO wow somehow that made me laugh at the end. Poor you though I don't like bats either!

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  3. Demented is so not the word for it, E!

    Luc, I can laugh about it too. Only now :smirking:

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