Happy New Year

Since it will soon be upon us I shall say it now and for some it comes earlier than most...

WHO DAT?

Don't ask, don't tell.

As some of you may have noticed... my ultimate change in profile pic. Well guess what? It's the REAL me. I know some of you have had reserves on posting your real self, for your own personal reasons and guess what? I truly respect that, but in the past I've used other pics that were not actually me and I've been slapped for it by some who I thought were actually friends. Now it seems thanks to a post by a true friend who made awareness to it, that if you use a pic of a real 'person' without their express permission you can get slapped with a hefty lawsuit by the said person who claims ownership to that photo of them. I take that seriously. Although the picture I had used in the past I was permitted to use it since they are a friend of mine and I'm not stupid as to NOT ask first. It wasn't with intent to use another's photo, but I tried to hide thinking no one would accept me for who I really am.

It's seems that no matter how well you treat others or even how good, generous and considerate you are it all means SHIT when you get down to the fine brass knuckles. It's never what's on the inside that counts no matter what people alternately tell you, but rather what's on the outside and your appearance is everything. I've lost ones I thought were TRUE friends over it and I'm not going to put up with it anymore and I'm not going to hide anymore. Not for YOU and not for ANYONE. Life is too short! You know what really makes me laugh though? It's those that want to throw the death stones at you or be the first to throw you under the bus? They are GUILTY themselves of doing what I was accused of by them. How ironic. Does that mean I can be the first to throw the stones of blame back? Alas I'm not that cruel and I don't believe in vengeance. I prefer to walk away and never look back with my middle finder pointed high to the sky as I walk on and forward. Been there, done that and I've moved on to more shallow waters. I for one have nothing to hide. ANYMORE. Never did really, but that's then and this is now and que sera, sera.

In the coming future of blog posts there's more I'm going to Show and Tell. Gradually. All in stride I say! Those of you who stood and stand by me cause they didn't care? Bless everyone of you. Your heart is truly pure to me. I don't take friendship for granted or lightly and I'm there when needed. :nods:

Hope everyone is having a great weekend! Cause I am sans the heat I would more if it would just Go Away! 

CIAO!

One Two Three, Shatter by Joey James Hook

One Two Three, Shatter by Joey James Hook

My rating: 5 of 5 stars

I just finished this book and needed to get this review down now in writing before whatever I needed to say on it passed me by and I'd miss out on some pretty pertinent facts in how to express myself and this story.

Whew! Can I say that I first groaned when I noticed the story is 752 pages long? But would you believe me when I say that when I reached the last page of the story with: The End that I wanted more!

There's no doubt that there is M/F and M/M and I shocked even myself on reading it. In the norm world of reading as you'll see in my bookshelf that everything is M/M, but I gave it a shot. The beginning of the story is all M/F but keep patient and that patience will pay of to being M/M. Hell, just skip the sex scenes if you must, but you must check out this book if you're not to squeamish over the sensitive content to some of you readers.

The story starts from the time Kaleb is 4 years old up until he's 32 for my calculations. There's a whole clusterfawk of shit in his life and I'm surprised that it ended the way it had.

His mother walks out on him right from the getgo at the beginning of the story, promising to return for him, but doesn't. Everything in his life goes to shit from that point on. His father and older brother continually abuse him both physical, mentally and sexually. Yeah you read that last word right. They are pricks, but justice is served against the bastards. The abuse will continue till Kaleb is about 15 when he takes off.

You'll read how he battles a life of drug and alcohol addiction. He self mutilates to keep in controls and he's quite self distructive, but that's the the character he's portrayed to being in this story. You'll read about his first girlfriend, then his second one who gives him a daughter, a child he wants no part of and finally the one man that steals his heart and teaches him what love is all about.

You'll get so frustrated as hell by Kaleb's cold heart and his attitude, but having known about his past in reading about it you'll get the why. I could have shaken him with my anger at times, I could have cried for him and the injustice of what life served him and I wanted to laugh with his blunt sarcasm and telling you the way it is, no bullshitting around.

Joey, the author, wrote one hellova a book here that deserves the rating I gave it. Perhaps more and I hope this review does the book some justice although, maybe not, but I can only cut it to the best of my ability as a reviewer.

I'm def posting this to my blog and I'm hitting up his next book Phoenix to see if it meets the same high standards I've met with this one.

Two thumbs up on the way!

View all my reviews

Little Boy Lost series by J.P. Barnaby

Wow! Very intense...

Every book will take you through the story of Jamie and Brian. From the tender age of teenagers till the very end and I don't want to give anything away because you really need to read this series to see for yourself.

J.P. did an epic job with this story and in every six of them. I did wait till all the books came out to read them all in sequence without missing a heartbeat and I sure as hell am glad that I had. The way he ends one book is the way the next will continue and so on and so forth. I've read a few books that were series by other authors that I enjoy and adore and I can assure you that this series now ranks up the top with the rest.

These two boys go so through so dayum much and you get to go along for the ride. The books are first person. The first two books are in Brian's POV and the last four are Jamie's POV although there was a part there that I wish it was in Brian's POV cause I honestly wanted to know what was going through his head and for a fact what the heck was he thinking!

I really wished that their stories and the story didn't come to and end in book six but as all good things they must...

A highly recommend series to read! 

Below I've placed them in order with a short summary of what each book entails. 

All the books can be found and bought at Dreamspinner Press. Just follow this link: 

http://www.dreamspinnerpress.com/store/index.php?cPath=55_395

ENJOY!!

 My rating for each of the books: My rating: 5 of 5 stars

Book 1: Enlightened

Little Boy Lost is the story of Brian McAllister, the boy next door.

Brian goes to school, does his homework, and helps his foster parents around the house. Brian also has a secret: he is in love with his best friend, Jamie. But in Crayford, Alabama, being in love with another boy is the worst kind of sin.

Brian and Jamie will discover just how deep their emotional bond runs, and at what cost. What will they do if their secret is discovered? From fumbling through their first sexual experiences to hiding all aspects of their relationship from everyone in their lives, Brian and Jamie battle for the one thing that is truly theirs—love.

Book 2: Abandoned

Jamie is gone.Brian's secret has been revealed.Brian McAllister's story continues as he tries to cope with the loss of his best friend and soul mate amid the alienation and ridicule of his classmates. When hatred turns to violence, Brian narrows his focus to two goals: surviving and finding Jamie. Along the way he meets Adam, whose life has also been shattered by violence and cruelty. Can Adam fill the hole in Brian's life left by Jamie's absence? The answer will change everything.

 

Book 3: Vanished

 Brian McAllister’s story continues in San Diego, where he finds so much more than he ever expected: acceptance, friends, encouragement, and an entire world of sexual adventure he’d never dared to imagine back in his small Alabama town. He continues to search for one lost boy in a sea of humanity but slowly begins to realize that maybe dreams really don’t come true.

Encouraged by new friends Mike and Emilio, Brian struggles to find work and keep his spirits up while his hope of finding Jamie starts to falter. But when life comes crashing down, he’s desperate to keep his new life. Can Brian do the unthinkable to remain in California when his money runs out? When Brian meets a beaten and bruised boy no one seems willing to help, he knows that walking away is no longer an option.

 

 

Book 4: Discovered

 Little Boy Lost is the story of Jamie Mayfield, a golden-haired fallen angel. Dumped into a gay rehab center and shunned by his parents, the once-adored son of small-minded, small town people has had to find his own way in life.

Jamie is astonished and dismayed when Brian McAllister, the boy he knows is the other half of his soul, explodes back into his precarious life. In the nearly two years they’ve been apart, not a day has gone by that Jamie hasn’t thought of Brian, no matter how hard surviving has been. How can Jamie protect Brian from the pain and brutalization in his life when he can’t even protect himself? Brian and Jamie will put every bit of themselves into saving each other, but Steven O’Dell isn’t the only obstacle keeping the boys apart. Jamie’s own self-hatred may prove to be their undoing.

 

Book 5: Escaped

Finally together, Brian McAllister and Jamie Mayfield have risked everything in a desperate escape. Jamie is now free of his tormentor, Steven O’Dell... for the moment. But Brian and Jamie know that one wrong choice could lead Steven to their door.

With the strength of Brian and his friends to protect him, Jamie hides and finds the one person he is truly afraid of—himself. The long, lonely hours in the place Leo found for them to stay leave Jamie with nothing to do but think. He thinks about Brian, about the direction their lives should take. He thinks about his parents, about the industry he left behind. Mostly, though, he thinks about drugs. Jamie wants to feel good again, forget about his self-hatred, and stop the gnawing cravings that prey upon his mind and body even as he tries to start a new life with Brian.

One moment of weakness may prove to be fatal for them both.

Book 6: Sacrificed

Brian and Jamie’s epic journey comes to a close in this thrilling conclusion to the Little Boy Lost series

Reunited with his father but missing the one man he loves more than any other, Jamie Mayfield attempts to put his life back together amid rehab, seizures, and the gutting loneliness of Brian’s rejection. As he tries to cope, Jamie finds that relying on his friends isn’t nearly as difficult as he’d imagined, and soon he can once again stand on his own two feet.

While recovering from his addiction, Jamie starts a new phase of his life at college, working to become the man Brian needs him to be. Only one question remains: Can Jamie earn Brian’s forgiveness and win back his trust, or will their love be sacrificed at the altar of Jamie’s demons?

To Save A Life

My blog title is also the title to the movie I just got finished watching. I'll post the official site, the synopsis on what the movie is about along with a trailer, then I'll end it with my own review and commentary on the movie. 

Synopsis

Jake Taylor has it all: friends, fame, a basketball scholarship and the hottest girl in school. Roger Dawson has nothing. Although the two were best friends when they were kids, the politics of high school quickly pulled them apart. Roger doesn't fit in with anyone and he's had enough. He walks onto campus with a gun in his pocket and pain in his heart and makes a tragic move. Jake's last ditch effort can't stop Roger, and the sudden tragedy rocks Jake's world. In a quest for answers, Jake finds himself looking for the next Roger and reaching out to the outcasts and loners. He quickly finds that crossing class castes threatens all his world is built on and it could cost him his own friends, his dreams and even his reputation.

 

 

 

Official website: http://tosavealifemovie.com/index.php 

 

My view on this movie:

 

To me the movie was very emotional because I could relate to it. I've been there a time, or two when you felt everything was just hopeless and the world doesn't seem to have a place in it for you. 

 

I was inspired by the movie in such a way that the word is out there more than ever these days, unlike it was in past times. We didn't hear much about suicide whether it was a teen or otherwise. I send my judgment on that to ignorance. Suicide was like a sin. Families didn't want to talk about it, people in general didn't want to talk about it. They turned the blind eye because the gods help us if someone committed suicide well... There must be a defect in the family and OMFG could it be contagious? Is this something that could go down to another family member of the next generation or the one following that? FAWKTARDS! That's my answer. 

 

LIFE! That's what it boils down to. Everyone wants to be accepted for who there are and no matter what walk of life they are. Everyone gets lonely, but like it's shown in this move it can show what being different, not being part of the IT crowd or the most popular one, even rejected can lead to. It's extreme, but it's out there, and it's alive like a living breathing virus without a cure until it's TOO LATE.

 

The actors that portray the characters is this movie do one hellova job. The movie is very heartfelt and it's sentimental for me in many ways. 

I do warn you on the sensitive matter such as teens getting intoxicated, there's 'cutting', there's your emo and a group of outcasts. It's all there for your viewing pleasure. 

Although I really liked and enjoyed this movie it held one aspect of it which I wasn't too fond of. The story involved God and the church. I know this comment isn't going to hit a sore spot with some of you reading this blog post, but I'm putting it out there. Awright, so I'm Roman Catholic, I've gone to Catholic school and all that yadda, yadda. I do believe there's something out there, but don't ask me if there's a God per say because I'm not a holy believer. I'm more spiritual than religious and I do digress that it's my upbringing, the preaching of going against the bible for who WE are to be wrong that has led me to seeing the hypocrisy of the church. I'm saying nothing more than this because everyone has their own beliefs and discussing religion is as touchy a subject as discussing politics. 

But hey, if it worked to throw religion into this movie than whatever floats their boat to who produced it. Different strokes for different folks and all that jazz. 

The BIG picture here and look outside of your little box is to bring awareness to teen suicide and that you're not alone and to seek help if you need it. Up so down with that and that's where I highly commend the producers of this film. 

'Nough said and I'm outta here. 

Laterz and enjoy the rest of your weekend!

STOP Child abuse!

The picture gets my point across and so does the video which contains content that might rather sensitive to some viewers. But without getting the awareness of it all out there WHO is going to stop it from happening if everyone was to remain ignorant and not speak up for the innocent. 

I wasn't an abused child, but at the hands of another MY kid was. I did everything in my power to put a stop to it because I spoke out. He's a teenager now, but I will ALWAYS be there still to protect him. Stand up for not just your child, but also for all other mistreated innocents.

Trying to cope with: LIFE

Why do I choose that title? :pointing up: Because life to me as I know it will never again be the same.

After a massive round of tests from blood and urine to a renal ultrasound then a renal scan the confirmed diagnosis by my nephrologyst is that I have kidney disease in not just one but both kidneys. I'm sharing it with my followers here and no it's not to get pity from anyone cause the pity party can be shoved up the arse and I don't blog to get it so fawk off, but rather I'm talking about it so it's not driving me up the fawking A-wall to the point I'll bounce and I'll just have a breakdown by dwelling on the implications of it all too damn much. You get me? Like the fact that CKD (Chronic Kidney Disease) patients are at increased risk for ischemic heart disease and a series of diseases caused by reduced blood supply to the heart and congestive heart failure (CHF, when the heart's ability to supply sufficient blood flow to the body is impaired). 

What a life! :drama moment: I better make my peace with it yeah think? I already have cause LIFE you fawking suck!

It's already at stage 3 so what does that mean? The percentage function of my kidneys is 55%. Isn't that just bullshit? How does that affect me? Right now the energy level is very low and I nap a lot, back pain is just peachy and quite frankly I'm embarrassed going out and needing a walking cane on my bad days. A lot of it and too many pills for this or that and such and such. Lets not forget seeing a nutritionist and starting treatment shots, tons more needles of constant blood work and those never ending doctor visits. I practically shit myself every time I see a needle coming at me. What a joke!

Here's a great one for yeah... I had a tooth break and the dentist wouldn't even touch my tooth till the specialist contacted them with the green light to proceed and were told to keep constant monitoring of my blood pressure throughout. This was before my 'confirmed' diagnosis. It just keeps getting better and better.

BUT having said all that there is ONE GOOD thing that's coming out of it all: I'm now a candidate for a study group call AIM to PREVENT. AIM is a 3 year study where the participant in this clinical research who have CKD allows the study Doctor(s) to collect blood and urine samples every 6 months (not including reg visits) in order to analyze the levels of protein and chemicals in the samples. The goal of this study is to see if there is a set of blood and urine tests that may help doctors identify individuals or populations who are at risk for worsening of chronic disease. Basically, I'll be a lab rat to serve the better good for those of you who might get lucky in being diagnosed in the very early stages and maybe if something can be found it'll help the Docs to help you combat it before it gets to the extreme. 

I find THAT kinda cool, but it's a damn shame I have to get this disease in order to help others in the world of the future.

On a final note: Pity? I don't want it. Feeling sorry for me? Don't want that either. Your support and understanding? I'll snatch that up any day!

Mucho gracias for hearing me out, hanging out and have yourself one hellova great weekend, Folks!

Heaven's gonna wait...

Eternal Peace

 While on my 2 weeks of recuperation I was contacted by one of the V.P's I work with who is also a good friend. Friends in high places I do have. Anyhow, my V.P of Finance and my boss his wife and mother to their 8 year old had lost her battle with cancer. A brain tumor that was irremovable completely and was diagnosed with having this for the last 5 years. Long time. 

It was inevitable and we all at the company I've been working at for going now on 8 years were well aware that this was happening and so I can say that I'm still quite in shock even though we all knew it was only a matter of time. But this is what hit me the most: Their 8 year old, Andrew, and yes that's his real name, kissed his mum and told her good-bye and I love you before leaving for school not knowing that this would be the last time he would be able to say those words and provide that sentiment to his dying mum. :wiping a tear: THAT'S what hit me the most. I don't feel you've told someone you love enough times or should ever feel you've said it to often because you never know if this will be the last time you'll ever have the opportunity to say it.    

I'm most likely attending the funeral and I will give the big guy my support and condolences to his family. I've known his wife having worked with her prior to falling under such a demise of brain cancer that I will truly say her never ending smiles and laughter will be truly missed. 

Now on to my Ramblings :shrugs: It's a day made just for it. 

So this gets me to thinking: You can't alter the past, but your words and actions of here and now can alter your future. What's done has been done, but why? In a temper tantrum? Out of anger? You feel you are wronged and you can't let bygones be bygones and just move on with life? I do admit that I have regrets from my past and I can't undo, but you can learn from them and do it differently going forward. So here it is: To those that I have wronged in any way shape or form? I'm completely sorry. To those that have befriended me and remain a part of my life to this day? I'm not sorry, but rather more than happy to have you a part of my life, therefore I just can't be sorry for something such as this. :winks:


I also ask myself this without rhyme or reason: 

• Why should trivial things matter?
• Why can't everyone just be who they want to be and love those they wish to love without being judged?
• Why is there hatred?
• Where's the freedom? 
• What's the point of war?
• Why can't everyone just get along?

So many questions that will forever go unanswered, but that the way my mind works and always will till my time on this earth has passed. 

Sometimes it really makes my head hurt! 

Back to planting my keester on the couch and settling down with a good book and of course I'm going to end this post with a song. Cause I wanna! 

CIAO!

Love is Louder!

A wish and a song

To those who are lost:

You will find your way home.

To those who are broken and scarred:

You will mend with time.

To those who are alone:

You will find one day the one meant for you.

To those who have lost hope:

Never give up!

To those who were once a part of your life and are no longer:

Find your inner peace and forgive them for whatever they have done.

I have.

To those who stand by your side:

Cherish them and what they give freely.

To those who accept you for who you are:

Learn from them.

Mostly, to those who know what December 24^th is:

From my home (the picture up top) to you and yours,

A Very Merry Christmas, Season’s Greetings and Happy Holidays to one and all!

Fragile

A Special Day

Today marks a special day on the calender here at my home for two people very dear to my heart. It's my 'rents BIG 40th. I could never fathom to ever reach that many years with one person and going by the age I'm already at now? It'll never happen in this lifetime. When I think over the years how much they've been through together all those years I'm in complete awe that they are still together and with me now in order for me to congratulate them. You hear about so many divorces and break-ups, years wasted that looking at them both makes it seems all too easy to make it to where they're at now. 

So... from my sis and I and all three of their grandchildren there's only one thing to say to them both:

Forty years together you have loved,
Opening a door to love each other.
Romantic hearts bequeath a harmony
That proves more rich than any life might prove.
Years pour like water rapidly downstream,
Yielding harvests gleaned in fields to come,
Each waiting for the heart to bring it home,
Accumulating in an undreamt dream.
Rejoice, then, in a beauty never gone,
Sustained by songs more sweet because passed on.

Happy 40th Ruby Anniversary!

Clocking In

I could say a quick hey to one and all, but it's not quite going to be as planned. I know I'm missed so please don't tackle me all at once. Thanks to those of you who emailed me in privvy to express your thoughts and send out those prayers. Wendy appreciates them and has asked me to be the voice to express and send out her thanks. Sorry goes out to my angel. Your demon is dwelling in the bowels of hell. Still. Nat, Nancy, Vic, Eddy, Lil sis Kat, P, Sunshine...the list goes on. Miles and Kail have been MIA but there's not a day that goes by that I'm not thinking of them and I hope they're safe wherever they may be at this time. Miss chatting with you all and hate that I'm missing out on chatting and laughing it up. Having withdrawals without the playful banter and good times. Always good times.

For me it's been a hectic few weeks. Just to show you I've come back and revamped this and added to it a few times. I'm not in the right narrow headspace and my thought patterns are erratic and all over God's creation. Maintaining focused on one thing solely has become a challenge. :snorts: I have five books on the go at one time. See? Told yeah so.

So picture this: Those that know me up close and person know I have a massive fear of needles. I will break out in a sweat over it. Don't even ask me how I managed to administer injecting another. At first my hands shook like all hell get out. I had to step away, deep calming breaths and just do it knowing this was another's life and they're depending on me. It was a moment of 'Suck it up, boy you're needed!' Where the intravenous is in Wendy's upper arm it's hard for her to reach to give herself her morphine shots so I've been doing this for her every 2 to 4 hours. All her other meds she can take on her own. She's on some pretty damn potent shit. She even had to sign a waver with the police department to assure she wouldn't be sharing or trying to sell the narcotics she's taking. 'Nough said, huh.

Awright, to update you all, it's looking bleak. I mean I'm TRYING to remain totally positive and optimistic, but fawk! The fluid is building in her brain and the pressure is becoming to much for her to bear. Apart from the chemo she's had to get the fluid drained which they've been withdrawing from her spine. Today we got news that we weren't anticipating or ready for and to say I was fawking stunned is an understatement. She's bleeding in areas of her brain which is causing bleeding out her ears and her nose slightly. Emergency brain surgery has been scheduled for next Wednesday and you can damn well bet I'll be booking off 3 days of vacay to lay vigil at that hospital till I know she outta the woods and sending out a prayer that she makes it through the procedure. They'll be putting a shunt in her head to drain all the building fluid and stop the leaks. IF all goes well there she'll be back in on January 31st to attempt removal of the tumor. She's scared as all hell and I'm scared for her too, but she's keeping up her strength and I continue to be her rock, her shoulder to lean on and her ears when she needs this most.

I've had my days of being drastically stressed out, but that can't compare to this no way, no how. It's rad that I'm starting group on Mondays for 2 hours in the evening and having a new counselor coming into my home couldn't have come at a better time. I def gonna need it. It's whacked how you can be there and be strong for everyone else in need, but can't do dick squat for yourself.

I'll stop my rant here, don't wanna bore y'all, but rather pop in with an update. 

Peace out, folks. 

~ B ~

P.S. Can't leave without posting a vid of cowse. No whining! Suck it up and enjoy and this vid is symbolic from me to those of you I hold dear. Gods I sound like a sentimental frop! Enjoy it while it lasts.

Sweating The Big Stuff

First before I go on to what this post is all about there's someone I'd like to give mucho thanks to for having me get out of the slum I'm in to even post this. Kudos to you Vic. Your one email with the words you said meant the world to me more than you know. You along with a few others which have become special to me such as Edward, Sunshine, Angel and of course Nat have given me comfort where it's due and with all of you even though I'm very rarely ever around these days gave me your caring and support. It's the little words you send in offlines or emails that count.

Now on to my post...

I always for ages now carried this saying with me that goes: Never sweat the little stuff, just the big stuff which is Birth and Death. I am sweating the big stuff these days and I can assure you it's no where related to birth, although I really wish it was.

It's been a very rough year for me and it goes without saying that I'm surprised I've held on for as long as I have. 

• I've lost great friends that have hurt me immensely and what was done should be unforgiving, but I forgive them. I would never wish harm to anyone. Not even my worst enemy. It's just not in my nature.  I wish them well no matter what even if I'm no longer a part of their lives.

• I've lost my uncle Lou that held on to life for as long as he was able.
• I found out a very good friend contracted HIV.
• I've been battling my blood disorder.
• I've lost a great friend Todd Wonder that passed away of an overdose.
• The hardest was Mitchell Wilson that impacted me the most with his suicide because of bullying.  
• I won't deny that I'd tried to commit suicide where I had hit an all time low and went further than just cutting myself. I am getting help for this and my family supporting me is helping.

Quite a year it's been for me hasn't it? I'm trying to come to terms with so much impacted me in just this last 10 months. Quite fawking overwhelming if I say so myself, but I guess I should get to the worst of the BIG stuff, huh. When I had thought nothing could get worse than I've already been dealing with well low and behold I fooled myself and how wrong I was in assuming that life as it is would get back to some semblance of normality for me.

Awright, so I have one other close friend that I've known for, gosh... 20 years at least. I think I had it bad growing up, but my life has been joy in a basket compared to what she, Wendy, has been through. Her and I clicked and it was only because at first that we had one thing in common that brought us together and that was her brother. I thought the dude was a nice guy. Yeah know those all knowing blonde hair, blue eyes and lean build, but the hawtness was completely on the outside. He was a complete fawkwad that I'll talk about in another post on my knowing him, but not here and not now. Just know that his true colors came shining through and his aura is very inky black. I'll point out some of the sad facts on Wendy.

• She's been living in her brother's basement. A one little bedroom hole dump that he makes her pay a large chunk of money as rent.
• She's had surgery on her back and both knees. For this reason she's on permanent disability (using this money to pay this rent)
• When she was a young child after their dad up and walked out on the family their mother placed her in foster care.
• Wendy married a man that didn't give one fawk about monogamy. His belief is even married he was entitled to having mistresses. Fawked up huh?
• When Wendy's marriage went to shitsville she couldn't afford to take her 2 sons and one daughter with her so she left them in the custody of their father. The boys live with him, but Wendy has a younger brother and he along with his wife are raising her youngest, her daughter. Her sons come to visit, but only when that fawkwad brother of hers allows it. Pathetic that he calls the shots this way.

She's been cheated on, taken advantage of, tossed to the curb and doesn't even know to this day what it's even like to feel loved and wanted. Wendy is now 38 years old. 

This next part is going to be hard for me to write about without choking up. Don't worry... I've just taken my meds to help me get through writing about it. I already knew that at the beginning of summer when Wendy and myself went and spent the weekend enjoying Pride (she's very straight so don't even think it) that not long before this she had half a tumor surgically removed from the back of her brain. The doctors didn't remove it all with the explanation that removing of the whole tumor would have resulted in her going into a coma, therefore they didn't want to make the attempt. Just just weeks ago, Wendy went for the MRI to determine all was going well with the half of the tumor and surgery would be set to extract the rest of it... She... aah she's not going to be having that surgery after all. They, the doctors came back to say that the cancer has spread in her brain and... and it's currently at a stage 4. She'd been having some serious headaches and they're saying it's from fluid that has built up on her brain. They've started chemo on her and tapping into her spine to remove the fluid, along with morphine for any discomfort or pain. Basically they're prolonged her life, but for how long? Unsure. 

All her brother cares about is how he's going to get his rent money when her disability checks come in if she's in the hospital and made her get a doctor's note to prove she's not bullshitting. When she asked if he'd take her for her chemo treatments, his reply was: I can't lose time and money away from work. Get a friend to take you. 

Who the fawk does that to a person? Your own sister for fawk-sake!! Can we say I went completely and totally ballistic to the max when I heard this!!! She's packed her shit, whatever little items she owns and I've set up my spare room for her to move in with me. She'll be officially here tomorrow and as the Lord is my witness I have every intention of being there for her right till she takes her final breath. I'm going to make whatever days she has left in this life happy ones. I WILL be there to smile with her, laugh, cry and be the arms that hold her when she's scared and damnit I WILL show her what it's like to feel LOVE and WANTED.

I apologize for sounding like I was venting and thanks to this blog post I'll be able to start facing the day tomorrow when she is in my home and under my roof where I'll care for her. I will BE the friend she needs right now. You'll be seeing much less of me than you all already do, but I'll pop in when I can and update her progress for you all, but if you can find it in your hearts, your prayers are needed. Not for me, but for her. I refuse to give up hope and I do wish upon every star for a miracle. 

If you'd like to just pop a hey out to me and I don't mind, but I can't promise I'll reply right away my email addy is somnus_octavian@yahoo.com

On a final note of a long winded post, I'm ending it with a song that Wendy has really gotten herself hooked on. There's never a drive in my car when she's in it with me that she doesn't have me play this song. It chokes me up so I won't listen to it here. It's enough I remain strong when driving while she's singing the words repeatedly.

CIAO everyone and thanks you for reading.

Wendy, this song I dedicate to you cause I know you'll be reading this post. Love you chick!

For Betryal

Some will see a lot of sadness in this song, I, however, see it as a message of hope... The wind will carry us

I tried to translate the lyrics as accurately as possible:)

Always thinking of you, handsome.

Lyrics:

Je n'ai pas peur de la route

I'm not afraid of the road

Faudrait voir, faut qu'on y goûte

We should try, we should taste it

Des méandres au creux des reins

From twists and turns to the hollow of your waist

Et tout ira bien là

And there, everything will be fine

Le vent nous portera

The wind will carry us

Ton message à la Grande Ourse

Your message to the Big Dipper

Et la trajectoire de la course

And the trajectory of the race

Un instantané de velours

An instant of velvet

Même s'il ne sert à rien va

Even if it's not useful then

Le vent l'emportera

The wind will take it away

Tout disparaîtra mais

Everything will disappear but

Le vent nous portera

The wind will carry us

La caresse et la mitraille

The caress and the fire

Et cette plaie qui nous tiraille

And that wound that tears us apart

Le palais des autres jours

The palace of the other days

D'hier et demain

Yesterday and tomorrow

Le vent les portera

The wind will carry them

Génetique en bandouillère

Genetics slung over the shoulder

Des chromosomes dans l'atmosphère

Chromosomes in the atmosphere

Des taxis pour les galaxies

Taxis to the galaxies

Et mon tapis volant dit ?

And my magic carpet says?

Le vent l'emportera

The wind will take it away

Tout disparaîtra mais

Everything will disappear but

Le vent nous portera

The wind will carry us

Ce parfum de nos années mortes

This perfume of our dead years

Ce qui peut frapper à ta porte

What can knock at your door

Infinité de destins

Endless number of destinies

On en pose un et qu'est-ce qu'on en retient?

We put one down and what do we retain?

Le vent l'emportera

The wind will take it away

Pendant que la marée monte

When the tide rises

Et que chacun refait ses comptes

And everyone is doing its accounts

J'emmène au creux de mon ombre

I take on the hollow of my shadow

Des poussières de toi

Dusts of you

Le vent les portera

The wind will carry them

Tout disparaîtra mais

Everything will disappear but

Le vent nous portera

The wind will carry us